There is one thing I have yet to understand about infertiles. Being one myself, I realize that not all of us take on the same perspective. As we all know, one of the reasons behind my blog is to help open people's eyes to the turmoil some of us face. Usually it is me talking to the fertile world about the infertile world. But today I want to talk to the infertile world about the infertile world. Yes, you read that right.
A cousin of mine and his wife tried for years and years to get pregnant with no success. They finally resolved themselves to living childless and adopted a niece of hers who needed a good, drug-free home. Then one day, around the time I got pregnant, she got pregnant too. They had been trying and had given up after 11 years (ELEVEN YEARS!). They didn't think they could or ever would get pregnant, so imagine their shock when they found out that she was. Of course everyone was unbelievably happy for them.
Now imagine M being so happy she is finally pregnant. Beaming with pride as she is finally able to feel the one thing she never thought she would. As she walks down the isle at the grocery store and loving rubs her belly and smiles, a woman glares at her. Another infertile. The glare does not go unnoticed, and M wonders what she ever did to that woman. Why did the woman feel the need to be unkind? Just because she is pregnant? But M worked so hard for that baby. She went through so much. If only that woman knew....
When I was going through infertility and promised it would never make me bitter, I would think of the possibilities behind each pregnant woman I came across. How did I know she didn't struggle for 11 years to get pregnant? How did I know she didn't go through 5 rounds of IVF to bear that belly? Was it fair of me to hate her not knowing what she had been through? And even if she didn't have to go through infertility to get pregnant, why should I hate her? Because she has what I want and don't have? That doesn't seem right or fair.
During my entire pregnancy I felt like I had to justify myself to prevent other infertiles from hating me, which I didn't feel was right. I went through hell to get my daughter. I deserved to be happy about my pregnancy. I had earned it. I felt like I should be supported and cheered on. I wanted to be the one that was looked on as a success story who gave hope to everyone else who still struggled. I never forgot about everyone else, my heart still broke for them, and I still prayed for them.
This is one aspect that don't look forward to if I do get pregnant again. I am going through a LOT to get pregnant again and bring another baby into this world, and while I know it is hard for some of us infertiles to share in that joy, I don't think I should feel bad about being pregnant. Especially where my pregnancy will be so extremely high risk. I have to enjoy each and every second while praying nothing goes wrong.
Now, that isn't to say I feel that all women deserve to be pregnant. There are occasions where I glare at pregnant women. Like the ones who openly smoke, drink, or do drugs. Or the kind who do it to keep a man. They aren't getting pregnant because they want to be mothers. They are doing it for purely selfish reasons, and once that child is born, it will be a burden and treated as such. Plus we have all known women who could care less about being pregnant, complain the whole time, miss the fact about how pregnancy and motherhood is special, and could care less about the baby after it is born. Feel free to glare openly at all of the above.
What I'm getting at is that I think it is important to not take our frustrations out on complete strangers and rain on their parade when we have no idea what they went through to get where they are. They may have tried 11 years for that baby, gone through years of infertility treatments, or are just plain glad their baby is still in the womb for one more day. I wish we could share in their joy rather than glare at them because of it.
10 Thoughts:
I agree with you 100% Chelle! Another woman's pregnancy does not make me any less pregnant. That is just plain silly! We need to support each other and rejoice for one another - we need to be pulling for each other!
This is a beautiful post, and one I relate to soo much. I feel like I always need to add a disclaimer to my pregnancy, like "It took me forever for it to happen." Otherwise, I will get glares from people who have been trying unsuccessfully.
We are all truly fighting a battle. Sure, a lot of the people we see pregnant got pregnant their first month trying, but a lot of others experienced infertility first.
Amen. :) I couldn't agree more and you describe it in such wonderful words.
When I see a pregnant woman now, I admit I always feel a tinsy jealous, but I really wonder what her story is. Did she struggle with infertility? I find myself wishing I knew what her whole story is.
A lot of times when I do talk to strangers who are pregnant (I sell baby blankets at car shows we do so I get them a lot), I often find myself pretending they've gone through many years of infertility. Then they can see how happy I am for them and not the "sad, jealousy" feelings that I'm sure show sometimes even though I try so hard not to. I find it really works to just pretend everyone who is pregnant has gone through infertility. :)
Some very good thoughts, Chelle. I can honestly say that I have never been nasty to a person just bc they're pregnant. Jealous, yes. Nasty, no. I get tired of hearing all of the celebrity baby news, but in those cases, I "know" their background, meaning if they've only been with the guy for 2 months and this was an oops baby, or whether the celebrity has a history of drug abuse. But, with the average everyday woman, I have never once thought that she doesn't deserve to be pregnant. Like you said, I don't know her story.
Thanks for writing this. It needs to be said.
Thanks for stopping by!
I am a Stampin' Up! demonstrator so I spend a lot of time creating cards! Don't feel bad about buying cards!! It really is the thought that counts!! I indulged in some chocolate last night ( I was so bad! ) and it was Oh - so - yummy!
What you say here, I completely agree with. I've never understood why anyone would be bitter towards another woman's pregnancy. Coming from an IF'er or not. There are so many women who have a hard time with even seeing a pregnant woman and me? I was wondering if there was something wrong with me b/c seeing pregnant woman doesn't bother me. It always brings a smile to my face. Be it a stranger or somebody that I love. I think IF doesn't make people bitter, I think there are just bitter people out there that just happen to be IF. Great post! Once again :)
Hugs!
Oh Chelle! You have taken the thoughts right outta my head! That is something that pisses me off SOOOOO FREAKING BAD! You dont know everyone's circumstance so its pretty PATHETIC to hate pregnant women and get so stinking jealous! EVERY baby is a blessing.
/rant
Well said. You never know what goes on in private lives. You don't truley know someones story unless you have lived it.
I like this post. It is easy to be mad at others for what they have and we want so badly. I waited 1.5 years before I was able to get pregnant with my first child and now I almost surprisingly got pregnant now with our second. I have no clue what you guys go through and I try not to judge when you have a bad day or moment. My heart goest out to those who have struggled.
I like this post and I get what you mean and where you are coming from with it. And I never intentionally give a pregnant woman the evil eye just because she has the one thing I have always wanted and haven't have. Just because her baby is alive and mine didn't make it. I often look away or divert my eyes because I don't want to be that person that makes someone else feel bad for their good fortune. Being pregnant for a split second gave me some perspective on what it's like to feel happy and so guilty for something you tried so hard to get, yet there were so many that had tried harder and longer than I had.
Since it's been so long and so many people know how long we've been trying, it's hard for me to know how to handle the situation. I make them feel guilty for their good fortune, which then makes me feel guilty. It just sucks. So I try to be there when I'm having a good day to share in their happiness. I even made my two neighbors with newborns veggie lasagnas because I couldn't go to the baby shower. I'm a work in progress; but I try to not let my IF hurt others.
I agree with this on so many levels. And I don't think that pregnancy should EVER have to be justified... whether it took you 1 cycle or 100 to get there. EVERY BABY IS A GIFT FROM GOD. Every single one. Even the ones that "weren't supposed to happen." All too often people tend to see life with such short sightedness. I am not perfect, I certainly had my jealous moments during my heavy IF days, but it isn't right to compare ourselves like that. It isn't what life is about!
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