One of the things my friends and family always tell me is that they know I cannot just accept the hand that is being dealt me without trying to see if there is a way to change up the cards. I don't know a losing situation when I see it. I always have to do everything in my power to change the outcome to my desired result. I never give up without a fight because I don't want to look back on those situations and wish that I had done anything different. I don't want to look back and say anything other than, "I did everything I possibly could."
Less than a month after my husband and I got married, my 3-year-old border collie got sick. Really sick. For 5 agonizing days, my vet tried to figure out what was wrong with her and why she wasn't recovering. On the 6th day, he called me first thing in the morning to tell me he hadn't slept the night before because he couldn't stop thinking about what he was missing with my dog. (He is a close family friend.) I took my dog in for x-rays that morning, and immediately on seeing his face after viewing them, I knew the prognosis wasn't good.
Long story short, Roo had a congenital defect in the form of a hole in her diaphragm. She had eaten a peach pit that had become lodged in her intestines. As they tried to force the pit through, they found the hole in her diaphragm and began pushing their way into her chest cavity. By the time we figured this out 1/3 of her intestines were dead. My vet was leaving town that morning, and so referred me to another vet for surgery. My dog saw three vets that day because the one he referred me to wanted to put her down, and I wouldn't have it. She was my baby.
The third vet said they would perform surgery, but it might end up costing me around $8k. I didn't have $8k, but this dog meant the world to me, so my husband offered to foot the bill because I told him I couldn't just put her down without saying I had done everything I could to keep her alive. So into surgery she went. We ended up having to put her down, and to this day it still breaks my heart and makes me cry. But you know what? I can live with the fact that I did everything I could to try and save her.
When it comes to getting pregnant again under my current situation, I need to look back and be able to say I did everything I could to get my babies here. I cannot in good conscience call it quits right now. I still have a uterus, and it was meant to do a job. It has brought me nothing but pain and misery, apart for 9 blissful months of pregnancy. I cannot live with this stupid uterus for the rest of my life knowing I gave up. I will loathe this organ and its existence if I don't try one more time.
Seriously, who cares if I lose it? No more AF visits. No more cramps. No more freaky cycles. If I end up with another baby in my arms, then at least I can thank it for helping me out just one more time.
Right now I am operating under faith and a gut instinct to keep moving forward while knowing I cannot give up until I have done everything I can to build my family. This is what God created me for, so I will do my best to fulfill that mission. I will do my best to not regret doing everything I could.
7 Thoughts:
Said with lots of love, I think you're brave, strong and just a teeny bit crazy lol.
I could totally see myself doing that for my fur baby. They're part of the family too!
Something I've learned through all of this IF crap, is that we all deal with things so differently. And there isn't a right or a wrong way. It's all about doing what's best for you because you are the one who will need to live with your desicisions for the rest of your life.
I'm like you though. I need to try EVERYTHING before moving on. Once I've tried everything, I am willing to accept my fate and be happy with my circumances, but it always takes me a while to get there.
I read women's blogs who did IVF 10+ times, and then I realize, okay. . . I didn't try EVERYTHING, (as you know from my story, I was done after 2 tries)
I guess the point of the book I've been writing here is to embrace whoever you are. If you are someone who has to go to the extremes to figure out if this can be changed, then good for you girl! You have such a strong sense of self, and you really seem to know who you are.
And that is why I think you are so strong. :)
I totally relate to this. This is how I look at the IF business as well - right now, I HAVE to try IVF to bring us a child if for nothing else but to know that I did everything in my power to try. If I do 2 IVFs and feel that I've given it a hell of a go and my gut tells me I have tried it all, I may stop. But I can't really say what that number is or what decisions I'll make until I get there. All this to say, I know exactly what you mean - you have to do this to know you tried and know you won't drive yourself crazy the rest of your life wondering "what if..."
You are strong and you know what you need to do and why you need to do it. I don't think it's stupid, it's knowing yourself and your path.
I know you will not quit. You are a fighter and a beleiver. I know that having another child is very important to you. I hope it all goes according to your gut feeling.
I feel the same way about needing to at least be able to say that I tried everything. I totally understand what you are saying lady, and you ARE so strong (and if you want to be stupid too, I'll be stupid right there next to you!)
I think the fact you will not give up is exactly what you makes you strong. And omigosh your poor pup story brought a tear to my eye, and I'm with you...a lot of people are like its just a pet why would you spend that kind of money...well I would hands down. I couldn't live with myself wondering what if? And same goes with IF, I'm willing to try anything, and refuse to give up until I've exhausted all options. And maybe in the end that's what gets us through this, and gets you your second BFP. I truly believe you'll get there! Thinking of you!
At the end of the day we fight our battles in our own ways. I know exactly where you are coming from. Except my battle was more of realization that I deserved more out of this life than what I had cut out for myself. And so I began the long journey to where I am today. Thus, when the time is appropriate we find the strength within ourselves to continue to battle. And some days it is a battle. Other days we can bask in all we have around us. I know your in the middle of the battle days... so we'll be right here beside you during the battle and around afterwards to bask.
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