A Change of Plans

For the last 11 months all I wanted to do was get back in the TTC saddle. I didn't want to have to wait longer than a few months after Baby Bean's birth to start trying for our next child. Being a 30-year-old infertile with moderate endometriosis and PCOS means that time nor fertility are on my side. Hubs and I always wanted to have somewhere between 2-5 children. When we started trying for a baby back in 2006 and our dreams were met with an infertility clinic, I knew that our desire for a few children were not likely, especially as the months ticked away during our years of treatments.

After my surgery and during my pregnancy, I knew that in order to keep from being back in the infertility clinic, we would have to get our children in as close together as possible, or risk not being able to have more. My endo has been classified as moderate, which means it will come back sooner than I care to think about. So once my daughter was born and we learned of my uterine rupture, I was crushed. For six agonizing weeks post partum, we waited on tenterhooks to see if we would even be able to try for more children. When we were told we could, Hubs and I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. Then came the caveat. We had to wait at least a year before we were even allowed to think about trying.

It was kind of a bitter sweet moment. We were so happy we would be able to try again, but our plans of not waiting more than 6 months to start went out the window. I knew what Hubs was thinking, and he knew what I was thinking. Are we going to have to go through hell again to get another child because we had to wait? We both accepted what needed to be and did what we were told. I then had an IUD placed.

I was told the day of my daughter's birth that future pregnancies would be risky. My doctor actually recommended we not even try again, but neither Hubs nor I would accept that. At the six-week checkup, my doctor told me what I would be up against with future pregnancies. I cried a lot, but resolved that this was what I wanted to do, and I was willing to accept the consequences. I walked out of the appointment bawling. I actually had to sit in the exam room for 20 minutes after the doctor left to collect myself enough to walk out the door.

These past 11 months, I have said I didn't care about the consequences to ME. I DO care about the consequences to my child. Then last week I read an article about a mother who died during labor. He heart stopped and they pronounced her dead. They didn't know why she died. They rushed her to the OR for a c-section where the baby was also born dead. Miraculously, the baby started to breathe and scream. After he was taken to the NICU and they were putting the mother back together, she also miraculously started to breathe and came back to life.

Over the next few days, this story affected my resolve to jump right back into the crazy TTC ring. All of a sudden I realized what was really on the line. I have a fantastic husband and beautiful baby girl. What if my carelessness leaves them without a wife and mother? I am not ready to accept that consequence! The thought of leaving my child breaks my heart into pieces. How horrible that she would grow up without me and I would miss all of it!

Then one day I woke up and told myself I didn't have to jump right back in the saddle. The sense of calm that came over me is indescribable. I mulled over leaving the IUD in place for a bit longer, but that didn't feel right either. What felt right was getting the IUD out on the 4th, then taking a few months to let my body figure out how to work properly again while not preventing but also not actively trying, and then in a few months jumping back into the craziness of OPKS, CM, and temps. THAT felt right. It felt incredibly right.

How in the space of a few days did I go from anxiously chomping at the bit to get the IUD out to waiting a few months to actively TTC? Hubs says it is my job to be illogical. I told him to never underestimate a woman's intuition. He agreed. He also agrees with my plan. He really doesn't want to knock me up until August anyway so that the baby will be born in May, his birth month, since Baby Bean was born in my birth month.

So right now, I guess I feel like I am leaving things more in God's hands than I would have before. If we get pregnant right away, it was meant to be. If we have to be more proactive about it with the OPKs and such, then that is how it is supposed to be.

I'm still surprised at myself, but that is the plan for now. As Hubs says, it is my job to be illogical and change my mind for no reason at any time.