The last four days have been so very bitter sweet. Bitter because I was sick, but sweet because I got to spend them with my daughter. Bitter because I didn't have a car with which to take either of us to the doctor before Hubs got home or to go to the store to buy necessary cold meds, but sweet because I didn't have a car, and so couldn't go anywhere or do anything but be with my darling baby girl. I have to say, I am so thankful I got sick. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it was brutal. But oh my gosh have I enjoyed being home with Baby Bean. The thought of going back to work tomorrow while she goes to her first day of daycare breaks my heart.
That last line was the one that could be taken wrong. I love my job. I really do. I work for a great company, and I have some of the awesomest teammates/friends I have ever had the pleasure of working with/knowing. I received numerous text messages from my teammates the last few days asking how I was doing and if I needed anything. My PM even told me that if I needed people to shuttle me fluids, they would (because I didn't have a car). I am so very blessed to work for this company. It was by far one of the best decisions of my life, and I am so grateful we are here. Getting this job was a pivotal turning point in my life. I love these people, and I love my job. I want to go back to work, I just wish my daughter could come with me.
I know daycare will be a wonderful thing for Baby Bean. She loves other kids. She is going to get exposure to all kinds of things she wouldn't at home (and I'm not just talking about germs). They are going to teach her sign language, take the messy job of teaching her how to eat with utensils, and the list goes on and on.
However, I feel like in a perfect world, I would be an at-home mom. *GASP!* I know, I just said that. The woman who has always said that I could never be an at-home mom. I'd be bored. I need social interaction. Blah, blah, blah. I still think being an at-home mom could wear on me after a while. I did work hard to get where I am. I do need social interaction and all of those other things. So ideally, I would work part time, and be home part time.
I found over the past four days that I just love being with my daughter. I know some people hate when infertiles say this, but I honest to God know I am a better mother because of the battle I had to fight to get her here. I don't take her for granted for one second, and haven't since I found out I was pregnant with her. Do I think that there are women out there who got pregnant on their own who feel the same way? Absolutely. I just know that I am a better mother than I would have been. That's not to say I wouldn't have been a good mom, because I would have. I just know that I have way more patience, a higher level of tolerance, and a love that is incomprehensible.
The past four days have been fantastic. I am so grateful I got sick. (Baby Bean did too, but I was exponentially sicker than her. Both her pediatrician and my doctor said that is common. She exhibited hardly any signs of illness. I, on the other hand, sounded like death warmed over.) Maybe one day, my ideal will become the real.
6 Thoughts:
I love this post. What a great way to put it. Thanks for sharing. Glad you're feeling better!
What a wonderful post Chelle! I relate to so much of what you say. It's wonderful that you enjoy your job, but I don't blame you for wanting to stay home with Baby Bean.
I've always been a career woman. The thought of being a stay at home Mom for me was almost laughable. But now that I'm going to be a Mom, I think staying home would be lovely! (And I like my job as well) It's like, my priorities have completely shifted and career advancement just isn't as important as seeing all of my baby's milestones.
And I agree that infertility makes you appreciate things more. And like you said, it's not like someone who didn't face it doesn't enjoy their children. . . but after infertility, I'm pretty sure I'll take nothing for granted the rest of my life.
I can totally relate to your post, I NEVER imagined first off that I would have an opportunity to be at home with my daughter, let alone that I would want to. Just the thought of being at home all day was something I didn't think I would ever want. Of course I wanted the time with her but I didn't think I would be good at it at all.
When she was 4 the opporunity presented itself, we talked it over and took a HUGE step (down) by me going part-time and working from home. The pay cut was extensive, although we saved money by not having daycare it was still a huge adjustment. Looking back now I am so thankful we took the plunge. I got to spend a year with my daughter before Kindergarten started, it was amazing. There were days I hated it and cried because I felt so worthless not having a job to go to and a huge paycheck to bring home and all I wanted was someone to talk to about something non-kid related, but she made it all worth it. And now I get to be here for her every morning and I am the one waiting for her to get off the bus.
You know just as much as I do that things happen when they are meant to. Had I stayed at home with Seven when she was a baby I think it would have been hell, I just wasn't in the right place to do it, life was chaos but the opportunity came at the right time and at a time where I was adult enough to weigh my options. Your time will come, praying for your ideal to become real!!!
Thinking of you today, I am sure that it is difficult for you, but try to remember the good things when it gets tough. I am glad you are feeling better!
Glad to hear you work for such a great company. See, great jobs do exist!
And glad you got sick too ??? :P
I know exactly how you feel about how you weren't sure if you could ever be a SAHM. But man when you are home with them it just comes to you like you've been doing it forever. However, you are very good at what you do. I know this because I use to work with you and heard what people had to say about your work. Some day your dream will come true.
Post a Comment