What Happened?

One of the things my daughter says multiple times in any given day is, "What happened?" as she shrugs her shoulders and lifts her hands in the air, palms up. It is one of the absolute cutest things ever.

Today, I find myself asking that question when it comes to being back at trying for another baby.

Since I discovered almost two weeks ago that I wasn't pregnant, something inside my head was flipped like a switch. This thing that my life has revolved around for almost 4 years all of a sudden became not so important. The burning desire was snuffed. At first I thought it wouldn't last long. That maybe I only felt that way because I was disappointed. But as the days have gone on, I have found that this is more of a permanent thing. It has been surprising, to say the least.

I have gone through so many thought processes around it since that day, and what I have come to determine is this:

• I already fought that battle once before, and I don't need to do it again. I let it take over my life. I ate, slept, dreamed, and did everything around getting pregnant. It was all I wanted. It was rough, yet it was one of the best things that happened to me because of who I became as a result of it. I became tougher and softer at the same time. I gained compassion and understanding. I became more loving. I took away everything positive from that experience that I could. I am most certainly a better person because of it.
• I have the most beautiful, perfect little girl I could ever ask for. She is my life, my world, my everything. I look at her and all I feel is happiness and contentment. She is my reward for my struggles, and she is worth every single second of pain. But because I have her, having another baby just isn't as important as it was when I was struggling to have one. If she is all I ever have, my life is complete. I am okay with that.
• Back in May of 2008 when I gave up, I truly decided to give up. I had gotten to a point in my life where I was happy with the way things were. I was tired of the struggle and the hurt. I was coming to terms with living child-free, and with my life being my husband and my dog (soon to be two dogs). We could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted and we didn't have to care about anything other than ourselves. Well, I feel that way about our family of five now. We have adjusted to life with a toddler and can get around very easily with just the five of us. As I said earlier, I am content. I am honest to God content.
• I am retiring my "Infertile" label. I don't want to own or wear it anymore. It isn't something that suits my life now. I feel like I have graduated from it. That being said, I don't want to stop being a part of this community because I have come to care for many of you so very much, and I am not willing to give up supporting others who are struggling. I have been there and walked that path, and if my struggles can help someone else make it through a cycle, I am here for her. I didn't go through what I did only to serve myself. I have so much caring and compassion to share.
• My life no longer revolves around getting pregnant, but on focusing on the family I have been blessed with. Again, that being said, I also feel like I will still need to do my part to build my family, which means keeping track of my cycle and trying at the appropriate times. I'm just not going to let it rule my days anymore. My fear in not being proactive is that a year or so down the road, I will look back and kick myself for not trying, because maybe my endo will come back to the point I need another surgery or maybe my PCOS will be out of control. So I feel like I need to keep being proactive now, despite my contentment, because the good Lord knows I would love to welcome another baby into this family. Its just that now I am going to let it happen in His time. I don't doubt we'll have another baby. I know we will. It is just a matter of when the time is right.

It feels so good to free myself of the infertile bonds. To truly let it go, yet it is strange. I almost feel like I am going through a self-redefinition. What am I without my label? I am happy. I am content. I am a mother and a wife. I am fulfilled.