Divine Discontent

Okay, so most everybody knows that I was forced to take a year and a half off trying for our second baby. Well, technically its not a year and a half, as Hubs told me a couple of days ago he wouldn't have wanted to start trying for a baby 6 months after Baby Bean was born, even though I did. After all this time he has told me he would have wanted to wait at least a year before knocking me up again. So if you ask him, we've only had to wait 7 months longer than he would have liked, but 13 months longer than I would have liked.

Anyway, as I mentioned in my previous post I feel that this past year has been just as hard as, if not harder than my cycling days because I know when the best time to try to get knocked up is, but I can't do anything about it without there being some serious repercussions (i.e., uterine rupture, loss of baby, loss of life, etc.).

I am so seriously antsy to get pregnant again, and it is killing me. Its all I think about. To make my antsiness worse, everyone around me IRL is pregnant. My sister (with a surprise baby [and a blessing]), my best friend (another surprise baby), another best friend, another best friend's wife (yes, I have a lot of best friends), my husband's best friend's wife, and a couple of gals at work. Let us not forget all of my wonderful bloggy friends (I am so over the moon for every single one of you!). I am so flipping baby hungry my uterus literally clenches at the sight of pregnant women and babies. My womb just ACHES in anticipation. I just want to be part of the crowd.

I am so antsy, sometimes I just want to stand up and run in place, as if that will make the time go faster.

On the other hand, I am kind of glad I'm not pregnant yet. You see, anticipation is a beautiful thing to me. That whole looking forward to a moment is one of my addictions. I always have to have something to look forward to because it adds that bit of excitement I need to get through the days where I would rather poke my eye out with a stick.

Right now, I get to salivate over the thought of seeing a positive pregnancy test. I get to relish the idea of pulling out my What to Exp.ect book. I get to look forward to that first ultrasound where Hubs, Baby Bean, and I get to see a heartbeat. I get to anticipate an entire beautiful pregnancy. And let's face it, I am one happy pregnant chick. Hubs would keep me knocked up all of the time if he could.

Yet, it is hard that I can't even try right now. I'm going to ovulate in about 11 days, and I have to sit here and let my chance go by at getting pregnant in July. It is so hard that some days I am just discontent for no reason. I feel like I should be upset about something, like fighting the insurance company or an obnoxious coworker, but there isn't anything to be upset over other than the fact that everyone but me is pregnant.

At the same time, the blessings of having to wait have not been lost on me. I have been given that much more time to just enjoy being a family of three with two dogs. There are days where I am so happy with the way things are right now. And as silly as this may sound, I'm glad my baby won't be born at the same time as everyone else's because apparently there was an influx of baby girls born in my area at the same time as Baby Bean, so I can never find clothes or shoes in her size, and it is frustrating!

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This battle has far from bested me. In fact, I think I'm besting it. I can find a positive in every negative thing it throws my way. Six more weeks... six more weeks....