Here We Go Again

I'm pretty sure I've already been here once before. Yep, I have. It says so here. That post pretty much starts out with the exact same feelings I'm going through right now. Last time it was after my surgery, this time its after my baby. Here I am, on CD 18 and have yet to see a positive OPK. I know I usually ovulate on CD 19, but I thought that there would be at least a hint of a line indicating a pending positive tomorrow. Nothing. Not even a smidgen of pink in the positive area.

I am really freaking out because I am 18 days away from getting my IUD. I wanted to prove to myself that I wouldn't have to go through all of this stressing about ovulation crap before testing would be completely unnecessary for the next 6 months. I need that positive test to put my mind at ease before I embark on momentary, forced infertility. If I don't get it, all I am going to do is freak out for the next 6 months, wondering if I waited too long to do the IUD, wondering if I should have stayed on the ring, wondering if I am going to have to go through all of this crap again in 6 month's time, wondering if the endo has come back full force.

Maybe I started testing too late. I had some pretty bad pains on CD 15 that led me to believe I was ovulating then and there. They went away after that day. Perhaps having my baby kicked things back into gear. They do for lots of people who went through this same thing. But if I did ovulate that day, I won't know because I don't get a second chance to start testing earlier next month.

Yes, I am an obsessive worrier. I can't help it. It's in my genes. I was born with it, passed down from generation to generation. I need to learn how to let it go, I know. I am trying so hard. I keep telling myself that if all I ever get is Baby Bean, then it is okay. Its better than okay. I am better off than I was 18 months ago. I obtained the unobtainable. At least I have her. I am so blessed. So why do I torture myself? What is this need to obsess when there is nothing I can or should do about any of it until at least next year. Why can't I just let it go and leave it alone? Because I know the pain all too well.

The sad realization that I'm coming to is that no one can help me fight this battle. I have to overcome it myself. I just don't know how to fight this dragon. Every time I think I've won, she gets back up, fully refreshed and ready to fight as thought I'd never hurt her.

Its time to go appreciate what I have.