Right now we are officially in a TWW. I definitely ovulated this month, and it was most likely Sunday, as I thought. I guess I just had a crap batch of OPKs. But my mind is in a really strange place around this whole TTC #2 deal.
The last couple of days, I started to really think about what having another baby in this house would mean. Its like I didn't think about that in depth when I wasn't allowed to try to have another baby, but now that we are, I am looking at it in a completely different light. Instead of fantasizing about how it would be, I am being more realistic about how things would change, and whether or not I'm really ready.
I realized that it was't as much that I wanted another baby as it is that I wanted to be pregnant again. My pregnancy with BB was heaven for the most part. Secretly, I enjoyed even the most miserable of symptoms because it meant my baby was still in there, going strong. I loved almost every single second of it. In fact, the day BB was born was hardest on me because I wasn't pregnant anymore.
I feel like I say this a lot, but don't get me wrong, I DO want more children. I want at least two more, God willing. I just don't know if I am ready for them right now. It has been so weird to be on this side of things. Now that the gate is open, my horse doesn't want to race to the finish line. It would rather trot happily along and take in the sights along the way.
As the time has gone on, I find that my desire to jump right back into TTC #2 has really ebbed. The only reason I want to keep trying every month is because I don't want to look back and be disappointed that we didn't take every opportunity to try to build our family, especially with my endo and PCOS. Because above all, I don't want to have any more surgeries or go through any more treatments. The only way to make that more likely than not, it to seize the moment each month.
Being able to take the pressure off of myself has been so relieving. It has allowed me to enjoy my little family even more than I thought possible. I am afraid that getting pregnant again is going to take the attention off of Baby Bean, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet. Our relationship is strong, and I don't want that to change. She distanced herself from me after my surgery in May because I couldn't hold her for weeks, and that was really hard for me to handle. I don't want her to do that again.
With all of that said, if God decides it is time for us to add to our family, I will accept that with an open heart just as much as I have accepted the way I feel right now. We will be excited, and we will look forward to our new addition every bit as much as we did Baby Bean. In some ways, even more, because the new baby has a big sister, and I can't wait to go through a pregnancy where Baby Bean gets to see the sonograms of her sibling and help me pick out baby gear.
Anyway, I just needed to write that out because this whole thing has taken an interesting turn, and I am trying to sort through all of it. As I said before, its like I am in a new self re-definition phase, and I need to figure out who and where I am without being an infertile. It has been interesting and eye opening, to say the least.
10 Thoughts:
This is very interesting. It's good to think about where your head is in this process. I can almost hear you relax and breathe out slowly, as you write this post. It has to be very relieving to get to a place where it's ok, and maybe even better, if you don't get pregnant this month - or next.
I know what you mean! We decided to try for three months for #2 before we go in to the RE. And I am so ready, and was nearly obsessing over it...but now that it is time, I look at Henry and wonder if we are really ready. I want another so much, for Henry most of all. I want him to have a little sister or brother, but I worry how it will change things. How he will share the spot light, and I know it will be good for him, bu at the same time I worry about it being hard for him. I see how we are finally sleeping through the night and how we are really getting our feet under us as a family of three, and I question if we are ready to be four. Ready for the crazy newborn stage. I think we are, and I so want to be pregnant again, but now that it is really here and we are trying, I see it different than I did before.
It's crazy how this whole parenting thing redefines us isn't it?
And BB looks sooo much like you.
Sometimes we want what we can't have.
While you know that you want it eventually, the fact someone tells you, STOP right there, you can't have this, it makes it even more desirable to have. Be damned that someone or something tells you you can't have it.
It will happen when the time is right, your body will respond when you are ready.
Your in my thoughts and I hope this TWW works out the way you want.
Baring in mind it would be 9 months before you'd be adding the baby anyway...and by then bean will be a lot different developmentally and probably ready for a sibbling!
You've got more than enough love to go around so I say let it happen when it happens! :o) I cant wait for you to get pregnant...I'll be dancing around the room!
I'm so proud of you friend... I seriously wish I could get to that same place of feeling like whatever happens is for the best... I'm jealous!
Heather, I thought the exact same thing this morning as I was getting ready for work. My thought proceses go round and round on all of this and I sometimes overlook things I've thought before, like the fact that a baby would be at least 9 months away still.
It is all good though because we are still trying every month, regardless of how I feel about the situation on any given day. We're not going to let an opportunity go by. :)
It is good to get it all down, every thought and emotion, very therapeutic in many ways. Fingers and toes crossed as always.
I bet that means you're preggers. When I started questioning if we were REALLY going to go on with adoption, we got the call to go get Jack. It's like the universe knows that you can't take much more.
Well, at least that's what I like to hope. ;) xoxoox
You continue to amaze me with every post...you're amazing. I'm excited that you're in the TWW again. :) :)
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