I am Not My Biggest Fan Today

I don't think I can count the number of times I have started off a blog post by saying I am soooo far behind on blogs. I don't really have an excuse as to why other than that I just haven't been feeling it, and so have allowed myself a bit of time to step away from everything blog. With that said, I am behind. That's all there is to it. Now onto a new post.

Last Friday I woke up happy knowing I was only a week away from AF, and only a few weeks away from trying for a baby. My bubble was burst very early on when I started to get cramps that day. I haven't had cramps since my surgery almost 3 years ago when all of my endo was ablated. It didn't take me but a nano-second to realize exactly why I was cramping. Remember this post just over 3 months ago where I said I was starting to drink caffeine again for the first time in 3 years? I'm pretty sure at some point on this blog I mentioned how stupid of me it was to start drinking it again because it could manifest as endo 3 months down the road.

In the years spanning from my first AF visit to my surgery in 2007, I would get cramps a full week before AF showed up. When she did show up, she would usually come with the kind of cramps that left me curled up in a ball, sobbing, and begging for a swift death. I'm serious. Nothing touched those cramps as far as medication was concerned. I just had to tough it out. It was brutal hell. Just ask anyone who witnessed them.

Well, it has been just over 3 months since I started drinking caffeine, and guess who is now paying for each and every sip? I have had cramps since last Friday and will continue to do so through this Friday and possibly all weekend. They are even the old kind where nothing helps, even this early in the game. I have taken meds a few times and it did jack to ease my pain. I even got a beautiful hormone-induced headache at work today that made breathing in and out painful, as each breath caused my head to throb as though I had just stood up too quickly. Again, pain meds don't touch these kinds of headaches, so I had to tough it out.

Already this cycle is going to be the worst I have had in 3 years. My girls hurt soooo much, I can't even tell you. I can tell when people are looking at them because it makes them hurt. I'm not sure if all of these hormones are a good or bad thing. Are they a sign of my fertility or a sign of my stupidness by drinking caffeine? Either way, I am braced for a ride similar to the rides I faced every month from the age of 14 all the way until I was 28.

Oh yeah, guess who else is visiting? The PMS Avenger. I've had to try really hard to keep her from kicking my own @$$ all day. She seriously wants to, but I keep telling her I am already in enough discomfort, I don't need a sore backside to go with it. Between fighting her off and dealing with everything else, I am wiped. (I have honestly been angry with myself all day.)

I am praying now more than ever that we get pregnant at the end of this month because these types of cycles are so brutal. So now in addition to wanting to get pregnant just to have another baby, I need to get pregnant to keep from having to deal with monster cycles while also being a mother. That's right, I haven't had a cycle like this since I had my baby. Is there a word that is the equivalent of brutal multiplied by 10?

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, and then this post is such a downer. I really do have some fun ones up my sleeve, but I just don't have the energy to do anything other than complain and lament the sentence I have passed on myself and the impending punishment.

Caffeine is OFF the menu again.