How Did I Miss THAT?

I got my charts from my previous doctor last night and immediately sought out my surgery results at the first possible chance after getting home. I was shocked to find two diagnosis that I don't remember discussing with my doctor in any of my post-op appointments. Under surgery diagnosis are the following:

• PCOS
• Endometriosis
• Uterine Septum
• Dialated Appendix

I don't remember him telling me I had PCOS. I remember him telling me my ovaries were slightly enlarged, but not getting the diagnosis of PCOS. WTF?! I am pretty sure I would have remembered that. Hubs says he remembers the doctor saying something about it the morning after my surgery when the doctor came to tell me what he had found, but I don't. I don't recall talking about it in any of my follow-up appointments either. My head was absolutely spinning.

The surgery notes are extensive and over three pages long. I don't recall discussing parts of it with my doctor, although I am sure we did. I hate that my memory of it all is so fuzzy, but I completely understand why. I was going through a lot at the time.

According to the notes from my doctor the endo was extensive. It sounds like it was all over the dang place. I was lead to believe it was only moderate. I can't believe how many places and where the notes say he found it and how much he removed. It is amazing the surgery worked at all. In reviewing the charts, I just don't see how a simple IUD is going to prevent me from landing back in the infertile chair in 6 months. I don't see how I will be able to get off without another lap.

After looking through those notes I realize Baby Bean is a bigger miracle than I thought before. She has always been a miracle to me. Some days it still feels sureal that I was pregnant with her and that she is here. I look at her with amazement and awe. I am so blessed.

I am freaking myself out right now. There is just so much going on. I am under such a huge amount of stress I just don't know how I can take it. I am so torn. I wanted those charts, but now I wonder if I should have left things alone. I already have too much on my plate as it is. But the bottom line is, I simply wasn't expecting what I found. I had hoped that I remembered things being worse than they were. I also asked for them a couple of weeks ago when my stress levels weren't so high and my feet were planted firmly on the ground.

Have I mentioned lately how wonderful dogs are? I'm sitting here stressing, on the verge of tears, and my little Sadie Dog came over to offer love and support. Those gentle brown eyes seem to say, "Its okay mom. I love you." as she lays her head on my lap for a few affectionate pats that require me to let go of some of this stress to return the love she so fully deserves.

I am okay.