Baby Blues and Adjusting

I know that the day I was cleared to leave the hospital they told all of us new mothers to expect some level of baby blues over the next 2-3 weeks; however, I had no idea what I was really in for until I got home. The first day home I just sat and sobbed because the fun of pregnancy was over. For the most part, my pregnancy was picture perfect and nearly every moment completely enjoyable. I loved every second of it. By the end of the first day I was feeling pretty okay with things.

Then the second day hit... I was all in a dither over the fact that my little girl was going to grow up. I kept feeling like I was going to go to bed that night, wake up the next morning, and she would be in high school already. I felt like time was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. Like it was all going to speed by in the span of a night. This one has lasted the last couple of days. I leave the TV in the bedroom on all night so that I make sure I wake up to feed the baby every three hours. Usually it is on some kind of TV show I watched and enjoyed as a child, such as Fre.sh Pri.nce and Fa.mily Mat.ters. As I watch these shows I realize that I watched them when I was a child, and now here I am, years later, with my own little baby. All of the actors on these shows grew up and started families of their own. This all makes me realize my little girl will grow up and start a family of her own, and the thought sends me into tears.

I did a little better with the growing up bit today as I reflected on the last ten years of my own life and realize that they didn't pass in the blink of an eye. I also try to focus on the fact that we will get to watch our baby hit her developmental stages and she will become more fun as she gets older. We have so much to look forward to with her. I am trying so hard to fight the blues so that I can really enjoy Baby Bean's newborn days. I don't want to spend them weeping and praying that the minutes will creep slowly by so that she will stay tiny forever.

I just feel so inadequate as a mother right now. I have this tiny infant who is completely reliant on me for everything. I just don't know what to do with her short of hold her, feed her, and change her diaper. I feel like I can't put her down, and feel so guilty she is laying in her pack-n-play while I write this post even. It makes me feel neglectful. I have no idea how I am going to get things done once my support group goes home. I knew the adjustment would be hard and that it would take time, and I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact. I just really wish I could shake the blues. I really hate feeling this way. Although it made me feel so much better today when I watched Bring.ing Ho.me Ba.by for the first time ever and the new mothers on that show expressed the exact same feelings I am going through right now. Complete with crying.

It also helps that Hubs is so understanding. Whenever I get to feeling really blue, he talks me through what I'm feeling and then reminds me that post partum blues is normal, especially with trying to recover from the c-section, lack of sleep (which is really, really hard for me), and the pain of trying to nurse when everything isn't going as well as I would like. I just want to feel adequate and like I can do this. I realize I only gave birth 10 days ago, but I am so afraid my baby blues will extend beyond the standard 2-3 weeks. I guess all I can do right now is focus on my baby and establishing a new daily routine that includes her. Change is rough. Change involving a baby is even more rough, but I'll get through it by looking forward to the end of the blues.