What I Wish I Had Known

Yesterday a good friend of mine who is about to emark on the infertility journey related some recent heartbreaking experiences with me. Knowing exactly what she had gone through, my eyes began to well up as she recounted the events to me. So last night, I sat down and wrote her a letter. In it I wrote down the things I wish people had told me when we embarked on the infertility treatment road over two years ago, and I would like to share a bit of that now for anyone else who is about to share the same journey.

The infertility road is hard and long, and it will absolutely test you, your spouse, and your marriage. You will find out what you are made of, but if you can survive this, you can survive anything.

Know that each month will be an experiment. Since no two people are alike, it is hard to say what will work for you without trying everything. Also know that there are many options available. If one treatment doesn't work, be open to the possibility that something else might. You won't know unless you try.

Educate yourself. Don't always blindly accept what your doctor says or suggests. Research everything they tell you to ensure what they suggest is an option you are willing to explore. Know the potential side-effects and determine if it is something you are willing to tolerate. Know what other options may be available to you, and know what other potential problems could be causing you to require treatment, such as endometriosis or PCOS. Know what treatment options are available if you have either of those problems.

Have a plan. One thing that helped me keep going failed cycle after failed cycle was that we had a plan set in place from the beginning. We discussed all of our options up front, and determined, for example, that we would try chlomid alone for 3 months. If that didn't work, we would try injectable hormones and timed intercourse for 3 months. If that didn't work, we would try 3 months of IUIs. We never made it through any 3-month stretch because there were always complications after about the second month on each option, but that was okay, we just moved onto the next option and ended with surgery. Having a plan made it easier for me to keep moving forward.

Its okay to stop, and sometimes it is better to stop. If it ever gets to be too much, it is okay to take a break. The best couple months during my treatments were the ones I was forced to take off because I didn't have to think about it. I was able to have a full cycle care and worry free because one month had not gone well (I got a cyst from treatments, or I had too many follicles). Then there was a month in there that two month's worth of shots made me such a horrible person that hubs and I decided to take some time off to let my body take a break. A month or two of not trying will not make that much of a difference in the end, and sometimes it is what you need. You need to rediscover yourself and take time for yourself when it gets to be too much.

Take time to pamper yourself. Infertility is hard on your mind and your body. Remember to take time out to take care of you. Go get a massage, a facial, a manicure, whatever you need to relax and rejuvenate yourself. One year alone of treatments aged my face about 5 years, so after my surgery, I went and got microderm. I earned it, and it took the 5 years right back off and then some.

Always have hope. I know it is hard to hold out hope failed cycle after failed cycle, but sometimes that is all you will have to keep you going. It is a dark world when all hope is gone. Even a glimmer is better than none. You need that glimmer to keep you going, and I'm not talking about to the next cycle.

Know that life will go on and have a backup plan if things don't work out. I always used to ask my sweetie, tears streaming down my face, what we would do if we couldn't have kids. He always replied with a smile, "We will travel the world with all the money we save and live happily." I always knew he meant it, and it took the sting out of the fact that I might not be able to bear him children. I was able to envision our lives 2o years down the road on a sail boat in Italy, and it helped me feel okay about things.

These were all things I learned during our journey. I wish that I had had an IF-pro around to take me under her wing and help me through each difficult cycle. I wish that I had had someone who knew what I was going through to help be my rock. I hope that I can now be that person for her.