The Possible White Flag

Mom, you might want to skip this post. Fair warning.

Last Friday I went into my doctor's office on CD21 for a blood draw to test my progesterone levels. At the time I thought about asking if the levels would be high enough to accurately predict ovulation, as it had only occurred three days previous. But I didn't. Mostly because my doctor was hard-nosed last month and would not do a blood draw when I called on CD21 to request one and didn't get a call back until the next day, which was then CD22. They told me it was too late, and I would have to wait until next month. I actually talked about that in this post.

So this month, I showed up to her office on CD 21 for my blood draw, per her instructions last month. I got the results back today. 7.5. At first I tried to choke back the tears as the nurse told me they wanted me to come in for more blood work to test my thyroid and prolactin levels. When I googled the last one at work, it said it is a hormone that is released by stress and can cause infertility.

IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME TO RELAX I AM GOING TO SHOVE A COW UP THEIR YOU KNOW WHAT AND TELL THEM TO RELAX TO GET IT OUT!!!

If I had a dime for every time I have been told to relax, I could afford a round of IVF for all of us.

In other words, I was pissed.

So I went in to get my blood drawn, and I asked the tech if she would please test my progesterone levels even though the nurse on the phone had put me on hold when I told her the last test was only 3dpo, asked if that was why it could be low, and if we could test it again. When she came back, she told me my doctor said no. WTF?!?!?! Aren't I the one who is paying for these tests?! It's not like I'm asking for medication. I am asking you to take my blood, send it to a lab, and have it analyzed for my peace of mind. IS THAT REALLY ASKING TOO MUCH?!

The tech said she would run the test anyway and then ask my doctor if it was okay. She then took extra blood for the progesterone test. My doctor's assistant walked by just then and asked how I was doing. I bawled like a baby, and just like I bawled on my way out of work and to the doctor's office. I ended up sitting there talking with my doctor's nursing staff for about 10 minutes, crying and saying that I didn't want to go through this again. Of course they all told me to relax and that it would happen. Ummm... I'm keeping my keys from typing lots of bad words because my mom reads this blog, but know that I am really thinking them.

So on my way out, the tech who took my blood catches up to me and tells me my doctor won't sign off on the progesterone test. ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?! Does she realize that her lack of interest in helping me determine if I ovulated is raising my prolactin levels WAAAY more than anything else? WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT?! So I asked the tech again about the possibility that last time was too early, and why they can't just run the test again today. She said she would talk to my doctor and call me back.

Now here's where it gets even better, if you can believe that.

So I am currently 6dpo. The nurse calls and says my doctor won't do another progesterone test until I am 7dpo NEXT MONTH! I told her I would be 7dpo tomorrow. Why can't I come back in and do the test then? My doctor won't do it.

WHAT THE FREAKING CRAP?!?! ARE YOU SH*TTING ME?!

Can someone please, for the love of everything holy, explain this to me?

My insurance will cover the cost of the test and it will give this infertile who is suffering some SERIOUS post-traumatic stress disorder some stress relief. Why the hell can't it be done?

I was so freaking angry and defeated. I gave away all of my pregnancy tests and OPKs, I gave away ALL of my baby gear to my sister, and I tossed my prenatals. If the one person in this world who is supposed to help me get pregnant besides my husband won't, then why bother? If she thinks I'm coming to her next month for a progesterone check, she's fooling herself. I'm PISSED.

It was amazing how much I calmed down when I picked up my daughter from daycare. She was so happy, and I was so happy to be around her after the ordeal today. I just let all of it go and focused 100% on her and how happy I am that she is here. When my husband got home (after numerous emails about the testing BS), he was quite surprised to find Baby Bean and I playing on the bed, giggling. I did nothing tonight but played with her. Nothing else mattered.

So here is my new plan: I am going to call my RE tomorrow morning and beg them to order a progesterone test for me. If my dammed OB won't do it, I'll go over her head and cut her out of my TTC picture. There is ZERO excuse for her to not help me out. I will then ask him to take over my cycles from now on and do all future progesterone tests with him. I know for a fact he won't put me through what my OB did today. I am still gobsmacked that she did. It costs more to see him, but who gives a flying rat's @$$? I NEED results and NOW. I need someone who understands the mind of an infertile and what it takes to truly address and assuage their fears.

I can tell you right now though, that if I didn't ovulate this month, my white flag will be at half mast. I will give it one more month, and if I don't ovulate next month, I am pulling out of TTC. I REFUSE to do treatments again. I just can't do that to myself, my husband, or my baby. Especially my baby. Those hormones make me all kinds of crazy, and I have zero desire to re-introduce them.

I did schedule an appointment with my OB for this Friday just so that I can ask her why the hell she wouldn't do a progesterone test. She can escape me if she is with other patients, but she can't escape me if I am the patient. I want answers!

I have asked myself multiple times tonight if I am acting a little bit crazy. Perhaps I am, just a tad. But what it all comes down to is that my doctor is being completely stupid. There is no reason she couldn't order the test to placate me.

Seriously though, I am NOT pulling my prenatals out of the garbage. I am still way too livid for that. I am still giving away all of my testing supplies too. I just can't stand being this person, and the only way to avoid it is to pull myself out of the game. Watch for that white flag.