Its Not About Me Anymore

The other day I was taking Baby Bean on a walk in her Bj.orn. We walked slowly down the walking trail by our house as I held a one-sided conversation with her. I pointed out the trees, birds, shrubs, dirt, everything that caught her eye. I then began telling her that I was so glad she was here, and that I would go through everything we went through to get her again in a heartbeat. That she was absolutely worth all of it. I wouldn't trade her for all of the diamonds, gold, or money in all the world.

I then proceeded to tell her that the only reason for my existence right now is to take care of her. To provide for her, keep her safe, teach her, and help her grow up to be a good, smart person who was a contributing member of society. It was in this moment that I voiced for the first time what has been in my head since the day she was born: life isn't about me anymore, it is all about her. The whole reason for my existence right now is to be her mom.

I had my time. My selfish time where the only thing I needed to care about was Numero Uno. Moi! I totally lived it up. I knew that my selfish time would only last a short time out of my (hopefully) long life, so I made sure I got it out of my system before even thinking about embarking on marriage and a family. My plan was to finish college unmarried, get a professional job with my degree, and splurge every penny I made on myself or making my family and friends happy. I did that. I was done with college for 4 years before I met Hubs, and in that time I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I answered to no one. I traveled, I splurged, I went out every weekend. It was all about me.

Then in January of the year I turned 25 I told my dad I was ready to settle down. I just knew I would meed my husband that year. I might not get married that year, but I would meet him. Sure enough, I met Hubs in June, but this is a post that will be coming later this month. ;) For the next year and then two and a half married years while we were waiting to become parents, we lived up the childless couple life, knowing that once we had kids, everything would be devoted to our family. We traveled, we splurged, we did whatever we wanted whenever wanted and on a moment's notice.

Now that Baby Bean is here, I have very happily given up my selfish time. Right now she is the center of my world. Everything I do is for her, not me. I love it. I wouldn't trade her for all of the Me Time in the world. I had my time and my fun. Now I'm a mom and that is all I want to be. I go to work to earn money to support and care for her. I want her to grow up not wanting for anything. That doesn't mean she will be a spoiled brat and have everything her heart desires, it just means she won't miss out on anything if it is in my power to provide her with it. Like a trip to see The Mouse or a visit to Scotland. Okay the latter is a teeny, tiny bit selfish. ;p I also want to provide her with siblings so that she knows the joy of having brother(s) and sister(s). I want to fill our house with children to love and devote everything to.

I had my selfish time, now it is all about my daughter and our little family. I love it.