The Infertile In Me

The other day I was emailing one of my favorite blog friends over at Hope and Grace when I realized I was starting to write her a blog post. My dear friend has undergone numerous IVF treatments before and since I have known her. Then a few months ago she got pregnant all on her own only to lose it around week 11. Since I began following her in her journey, she has become very dear to me. While I was emailing her, I began spilling my feelings and emotions about our chosen method of birth control for the next year. My infertile feelings were coming to the surface, and the fear that I might not be able to have any more children. The following is the email that resulted, with an addition to the end.

I think we have decided I am going to go on the birth control pill for the next year. We talked about it yesterday and decided that was the best route because of the endo. But if I turn into a hormonal wench, I'll go off ASAP and we'll go the IUD route. I wish we hadn't discussed it in a public place at lunch though, because it made me cry. I really don't want to do any form of birth control for so many reasons. I understand I have to, but that doesn't make it any easier. I just don't understand why my fertility has to be a constant struggle. I'm sure you can totally relate. I just want things to be easy like they are for the 17-year-old in the back of a car. lol I have also found that I have already started to think about charting my next cycle. I guess the infertile in me is so ingrained I don't remember what life is like when I wasn't charting and not pregnant. I see the box of feminine hygiene products and I want to cry at the thought of using them without counting cycle days. My instinct is to get upset that I have to do this, but perhaps I will draw from your strength and just plug through the next year. But maybe I am getting ahead of myself. What if I go to the doctor on Thursday and she says we aren't allowed to have any more? I just can't even go there. I feel like we will have at least one more, if not two. I just pray my instincts are right.

The thing that gets me is when I was pregnant with Baby Bean I would always have this sense of calm about the pregnancy. I did from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I always felt like the pregnancy would be good, she would make it here, and she would live a full, wonderful life. I would think, "I'm not worried about her. I'm worried about the next one." Its the "I'm worried about the next one" that gets me. I didn't know then that I would have the scar tissue complication. That kind of worries me. I never got past thinking "the next one", or even what about it worried me. Will the next one make it here okay? Does that just mean that if I get pregnant it will be a difficult pregnancy, or does it mean that the pregnancy won't be good?

I find that even now, I'm waiting for the post partum bleeding to end and my next menstrual cycle to begin so that I can begin charting and determining if I still ovulate on day 19. When I realize I am going to be on birth control and I won't ovulate and my days will be counted for me by the pack of pills on the counter, it breaks my heart. I have to remind myself I have no use for OPKs right now. I realize it is only for a year, or so I hope and will find out for sure tomorrow, but I still do not want to do it. It brings up so many painful emotions and feelings from 15 months ago when I was sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant women while I was there to determine why I couldn't get pregnant. Those feelings are still there and they are still very real and painful. Do those feelings ever go away?

I guess I need to retrain my brain. Remind it how fun it is to practice making babies without the stress of actually trying. Remember how it feels to be free from the chains of infertility. To just enjoy life and each day I am given. To focus 100% of my emotion on my new, precious baby girl with the realization that she may be an only child and that I need to be okay with that, just like I needed to be okay with the fact that I might never have children before she was conceived.

Don't get me wrong, I realize I am so extremely blessed that my infertile journey ended with a perfect baby girl. I know that the journey made me a very grateful pregnant woman who enjoyed every second of pregnancy and viewed it as a blessing and that it has and will make me a better mother. But the infertile is still inside me and she still aches.

I am so hopeful tomorrow's appointment will go well, but I am trying to remain cautiously optimistic, just in case I don't hear what I want to hear.

I guess the infertile in us never goes away.