????... ????

Wednesday afternoon I went in to see Dr. Acupuncture. He had taken Monday and Tuesday off, so I had gone almost 5 days in between appointments. The second he laid eyes on me, he knew I was not doing well emotionally. I could see the way my pallor affected him. He was concerned. The man obviously has a strong sense of empathy. We did a lot of electrostimulation during that session. One would think with the way my right leg was ready to twitch off the table that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, but I did, and only a few minutes into the hour-long session. At the end, he taped three tiny beads into three acupuncture points in each ear and told me to leave them on as long as I could. He explained that one of them had to do with my overall sense of well being and should help combat my blues. The next day I felt back to my old self, as if the previous few days had not happened.

As for my cycle, I have no idea where I am. No idea if I'm coming or if I've gone. I've done OPKs this cycle because I was getting worried that my monitor kept showing a decline in my readings, which is a sign of pending ovulation, but then it never spiked. I never got a positive OPK. I did get a spike on my monitor last night, so I figured I had finally ovulated. But when I performed my reading tonight, it had dropped further than the reading before it spiked. If I had ovulated, it would have stayed high. So I took an OPK. It's negative, and I'm pretty sure the test line does not indicate a pending surge. So I have no idea. Oh well. Who cares? I'm done with this cycle.

I keep telling myself I have to give this up. Most days, I do. But every now and then, I panic out of the blue. That is when you end up with posts like the one I sent to the trash today. The one from a couple days ago when I was in panic mode. I am often so careful about posting in moments where I feel so lost because that is not who I am day in and day out, and I often wonder what they make people think about me. Do you think I am a crazy lady? A loose canon? Lost my marbles?

I was talking to my dad one night about how I often wonder what my blog readers think of me. My dad's response was, "What you think of me is none of my business." He has a good point.

All I know is that I blog because: 1) its cathartic; 2) it serves as a journal for me to help remind me of everything I've been through; 3) as I've said before, I know if I'm looking for certain information, someone else out there is too; 4) I love all of my blog friends--it is amazing how much I can care and feel for people I have never met in real life; 5) you all help me feel vindicated when I need it; 6) I love to think that something I say can help buoy you up in hard times, help you feel loved and cared for, and that your achievements are celebrated by more than just the people immediately around you.

If I happen to have a moment of temporary insanity and just need to write it out to get it out of my head and off my mind, then I will. But I also reserve the right to remove such posts when sanity returns.

Before I head off for tonight, I want to say thank you to each and every one of my readers. Knowing that you are all out there, hopefully cheering me on, helps me get through some of my roughest days. Your comments help me feel supported; they make me laugh; they make me cry; but most of all, they make me feel loved. So, in honor of you, I will be hosting a blog giveaway for my 500th post coming up. This current post is #496. Can you believe I have been at this for almost 3.5 years?! Not only that, but I had two blogs for a while, and I'm pretty sure the other one had about 200 posts before I quit using it. That's 700 posts!

Anyway, keep your eye out for an awesome blog giveaway. I promise it has got some real goodies in it!

With loads of love, hugs, and well wishes (especially for those of you getting ready to or in a cycle, and for those of you in TWWs),