SNAFU

For those of you already in The Know, I don't need to say anything further about the title of this post. For those of you who aren't, you're about to be in The Know. The acronym SNAFU stands for: Situation Normal, All F*cked Up. There is also the ever popular FUBAR that somewhat helps describe my recent situation, and it stands for: F*cked Up Beyond All Recognition.

I went to the doctor today and left shaking my head while thinking, "SNAFU, typical."

Long story short, we're running a battery of tests in a feeble attempt to determine what caused my crazy cycle full of spotting. What we DO know is that I am NOT pregnant. For sure. I mean it this time. There is no hold the phone, no jumping the gun. I'm not pregnant (the pee test told me so).

Tomorrow I will get back the results of a blood draw that is testing for hCG levels (to rule out an ectopic due to some pains I have been having on the right side near the end of the fallopian tube), progesterone (to see if the number is even elevated), and thyroid (because we all know that can mess us up). I also had a pap done to rule out any of that monkey business, as well as a pelvic exam to check for fibroids or a potential ectopic, neither of which "felt" like they were the problem. My doctor scheduled a sono for the 18th, just after AF leaves to check the lining and make sure nothing funky has happened since I saw my RE just over 10 weeks ago (has it really been that long?!).

I told my doctor about the lack of +OPK and she said it could have been a bum pack, especially where I felt the ovulation pain the next day and the fact that AF has in fact showed up right on time.

I asked why all of a sudden I was having crazy cycles. Of course she cited stress, and I told her about how I was definitely up in my cycle's mug the first try we had out of the gate. I then told her how I felt when it didn't work out and how I decided I didn't want to be that person anymore, so I decided to not care and was all zen about this cycle... until 5dpo when all of this stupid spotting and stopping showed up.

My doctor said what I thought she would, and that is that we can't determine anything from this cycle alone. It could have been a fluke. She has patients that have this happen to them once and then never again. Sometimes it happens every now and then, but it doesn't mean anything. We just have to wait and see how the next cycle or two go before we can start determining there is a problem.

So where does that leave me right now? FRUSTRATED beyond belief! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs right now. I don't understand how I had PERFECT cycles as soon as my IUD came out and the entire time we were forced to not TTC, and now that we can try, I'm all SNAFU again! I just want to throw a screaming, foot stomping, fists in a ball fit!

I HATE WAITING WHEN IT COMES TO MY FERTILITY! I'M SO SICK OF THAT GAME!

But I will wait, and I will do what I have to do. I will also calm down once I get all of this off my chest, and I will go back to being zen. I'll do the OPKs and I'll do a progesterone blood draw on CD21 every month until I get pregnant because I want to. I need peace of mind right now. In fact, that was the first thing I said to my doctor when she walked through the door because I knew she couldn't give me answers yet, "I just need you to calm my fears and give me peace of mind today." Tell me this is a fluke. Tell me I'm not broken... AGAIN.

Okay, I'm breathing now. In. Out. In. Out. I'm fine. I promise. I just really needed to get this out so I can move on.


Dear uterus,

Please quit being such a worthless piece of crap and thwarting my dreams of having the family I always dreamed of. I swear that if it becomes possible to grow a new uterus in a test tube in the future, I will do so, and I will have you removed and burned just to spite you.

I have been nothing but good and nice to you, and anything bad that has happened to you at the end of a scalpel is your own doing. Believe me, it hurt me too.

Now can we put all of this nastiness behind us and make a baby in a couple weeks, please?

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Chelle (aka your master)