Still Dealing

Today was Hell Part II. I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a freight train. My very skin has been sensitive to the touch all day. The clothes on my body irritated and chafed me. I kept feeling like someone was pushing a reset button in my brain all day. I just felt like absolute hell physically and emotionally.

I spent all of today just begging for it to be time to go to bed. I didn't want to deal with my mental and physical discomfort. I did, however, feel much better than yesterday emotionally. I was in a better frame of mind and ready to start exploring our options. We have so many options available to us right now, it is just a matter of whittling them down to the one that works. Obviously I will do the sonohystogram, MRI, and surgery. Hubs and I want to ask the doctor who performs the surgery what he thinks our chances of successfully carrying a pregnancy will be. I love my doctor, and I trust her with my life, but this is one time I hope she is wrong about our odds. I hope she is being overly cautious.

All I know right now is that I can't roll over and give up. I didn't come this far just to stop. The desire to build my family is so strong I have to keep going. I was talking to my mother on the phone today (who by the way just underwent a 12 hour reconstructive surgery from her mastectomy last year and is in the hospital sill) and she told me that I fought hard to get my daughter and she knows I have it in me to fight again.

I love you mom and dad. Thank you so much for being strong for me when I can't do it on my own. I am so blessed to be your daughter, to have such loving, caring, and comforting parents. I simply cannot do this without you two.

My parents are right, as is my husband, and all of my friends: I DO have the fight in me. I've done this once before and dammit all, I will do it again. I realize, and so does everyone else, that this battle is a lot more risky than last time, but I have to try. Just like before, I have to say I did everything I could. I don't want to look back and regret not going as far as I could.

I'm shaky on my faith right now, but I'm trying to find that glimmer that all hope is not lost. I still remember how to find it.

I am bracing for another year of hell in the infertile ring. Thank God I have so many wonderful people with me.

Before I go, I want to say something wonderful happened last night, but I am not quite ready to talk about it. I want to be in the right frame of mind so that I can accurately portray my feelings on it. I promise, that blog post will bring you all to tears.

P.S. My fertility is CRUEL. Guess who as EWCM tonight? I have no words. None. EWCM and a 2" cyst. Could it get any better right now?