Please Fasten Your Seatbelts

I scheduled my sonohystrogram today. I thought I couldn't schedule it soon enough, until I had done it, and then it made me sick to my stomach. I still don't know how I got back here. It was like making that appointment cemented the fact that I have just gotten back on this crazy ride. I thought to myself, "Here I go. Hang on for another Ride of Your Life." I just close my eyes and shake my head. I can't believe this is happening again. It still doesn't seem completely real, and the moments where it does seem real, it makes me angry.

I am so angry to be back here. I hate being here. I hate it. I never wanted to be back here, but here I am. I think how all of this stems from a few minutes in the OR a couple of years ago when my doctor made a decision for my husband and me. I wasn't angry about it until now. As my husband put it, he was a fertility doctor, he knew the risks behind what he was doing. He should have asked my husband before he cut. He should have made my husband aware of the potential risks. He should have not performed that procedure during that surgery because he had no idea what or how far he was cutting that day. As a fertility doctor, he should have known better and should have made a more informed decision after performing testing to determine how much he should take out instead of gauging by shining light through my uterus.

That moment has cost me my dream. That decision we did not make has cost us our children.

The thing that really makes me angry is I really have no idea what I am up against yet. I have an idea, but I don't know for sure and won't for some time. I need to get the sono done, maybe the MRI, and consult with at least three specialists before we feel we will be able to move forward. My husband wants second and third opinions.

This time isn't like last time at all. This isn't give me shots in the @$$ to stim and trigger follies. This is, "If this scar tissue lets go, you will bleed internally. Your baby may suffer brain damage if it doesn't die. You may have to have an immediate hysterectomy, and you may die."

Thanks Dr. Y. Thanks a lot.

I still can't get my head around this. I am trying my damnedest, but I am at a loss. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

What I found today is that if a rupture occurs not in a hospital setting, things will get ugly fast. It doesn't matter how fast the car or the ambulance go, things will go south with a quickness. So what if I end up staying in the hospital for months on end to ensure I am there in case of a rupture? (This is what I thought to myself today.) Then we get to pay the massive hospital bills for doing so. Laboring when a rupture is possible is not permissible. Contractions are not permissible. I contracted regularly starting toward the end of my second trimester with my daughter. More than 10 in an hour 24 hours a day.

There are so many questions, and no one has the answers. I want to know how the muscle was there the day my daughter was born, was brought together and stitched up, but isn't there now. Where did it go? How did this happen?

There is so much anger in our house over this whole thing. Hubs and I just can't believe we are going through this.

Right now I keep blogging just to get all of my thoughts out. I am also hoping that someone out there has answers or insight into what I am facing.

I have been a bad blog friend the last few days, and haven't been reading blogs. I am sorry. I want to, but I don't have the head space for it right now. I am going to try to catch up tomorrow and the next day. I am so glad I didn't sign up for ICLW this month. Maybe it was prophetic that I decided not to last month. There is no way I would be able to participate when I can't even keep up with the ones I already follow.

Thanks for being here for and with me, friends. I sincerely appreciate it and all of your kind words. I hope to start getting back on my feet soon. Hopefully the sono on Friday will give us some better news. Hopefully.