My monthly visitor has arrived. That didn't take long. I had read that women who had gotten their IUDs out got their monthly gift if not the day it came out, then within mere days of doing so. Happily, mine coincided very closely with when AF was due anyway. I was a bit shocked to see she was a couple day early though. I was happy to greet her, but not happy with the symptoms she brought along that I had happily NOT missed the last two years. Bloat, sore girls, the whole shebang. I also didn't miss not needing party favors. It has been so long, their use seemed foreign. It sure did explain my need for ice cream and Fri.tos after eating a massive Cajun dinner tonight though. (Yes, I am regretting all three of those now.)
As you all know, I was and am so excited to be able to TTC again. However, there is a little rain cloud hanging over my head, and it has been the last month or so. I have two very dear friends who are undergoing IF right now. One of which is one of my best friends. I also have another best friend who has been TTC her second for the last 8 months or so. While I was excited to try for #2, I had a hard time emotionally because there is a chance I could end up pregnant with my second before two of them are pregnant with their first, or before the other is pregnant with her second, when her first is 2.5 years older than mine.
I talk to my friend with the 2.5-year-old frequently, and we have had the "what if" conversation many times. She is a wonderful friend, and has admitted that it would hurt a little if I got pregnant before her, but that she would be happy for me and wouldn't befriend me if it did happen. I completely understand. In fact, we both hoped she would be pregnant by now, and we both still hope she is before I am. I didn't worry about her as much as I do the other two.
My other two friends are on the front lines of IF. One is currently undergoing treatments, and the other is on the doorstep of them. As in, she is going to a specialist in the next week. I know they both love me, and they are both so in love with Baby Bean. But I worried about breaking the news to them.
Today my best friend and I went to get Baby Bean's hand and footprints put onto a plate for her 1st birthday. I didn't want to drag things out, so on the drive over I told her I had just gotten my IUD out, and that we were going to start trying for #2 in the next few months. Her reaction was completely unexpected. She sat in my passenger seat with a huge smile on her face as she clapped her hands and said, "Yay! I am so excited for you!" I almost cried. I told her why I had been worried about telling her, and she told me not to be silly. Her reaction is the one I would have given her if the situation had been the other way around. I was so glad she took it that way.
I worry about telling my other friend though. I am afraid she won't take it the same way. I don't want it to put a wedge between us. She has had such a tough battle, tougher than mine ever was or will be. I have tried to be there for her as much as she will let me be. I don't know how or when to break the news to her. I know she would feel bad if she thought I was having a hard time telling her, but I don't want her to feel bad.
Who knew I would ever be in this position? I certainly didn't. I feel like I need to let them know because I care about them, and also because how horrible would I feel if the first they knew about our trying again was when I made a pregnancy announcement?
I feel like a horse who has just been freed to run in the pasture, yet I'm not sure if I am ready to run, for fear of leaving my friends behind. It is an odd feeling, and one I have never experienced. I'm not trying to have my first child anymore, I'm trying to have my second while so many of my good friends are still trying for their first. I feel like if it takes us a while and we have to go through everything we did the first time again, I will have no room to complain because at least I already have a child. I feel like anything I could say to plead my case just makes me sound like an ass in the eyes of those who are still fighting for their first.
Infertility is never easy, and it never gets easier, no matter which side of the fence you are on.
Once an Infertile, Always an Infertile.
7 Thoughts:
I am in the position of your friends. When one of my friends announces a pregnancy I dont begrudge them that at ALL and I'm so excited for them! I dont believe a real friend would ever react badly in that situation, if they were sad they should save that for a private moment and be a supportive friend.
I do have my moments of 'why her and not me' when it comes to my sisters. One has five unplanned children and one has six children and only the latest was planned. But if they got pregnant again, I'd be excited for them too.
It's really complex. At the end of the day, your friends want the best for you and love you!
Absolutely. Once is always. You've had a tough road, too. It's not like you're an un-wed teen mom, or anything. If it's easier for you the second time around, don't feel guilty. You put your time in.
I can't imagine the situation you're in. I remember my sister and friend and how hard it was for them to tell me they were pregnant. As someone on this side, the fact that it was so hard for them and they respected my feelings, made me love them even more and realize how lucky I was to have them in my life.
My hope and prayer is that your friend will realize that too. :)
(((HUGS))) You're a special friend to be so concerned.
Tell them everything you just wrote here. Yes, a part of them will be jealous no matter what, but I think you telling them up front what's going on, how you feel and how you don't want to hurt them but understand that it will on some level, will help to ease everything for them. They still may need to take a step back from your relationship at some point for a little bit, but at least they can prepare themselves.
And yes, infertility never ends. :(
True friends are people who wont get mad at you for getting pregnant. Especially when they know what journey you have been through to get where you are today. I will be so happy for you!
You are an awesome friend! I was kind of in this position when we were doing our first IVF round. My brother and his wife have been trying for five years and are now moving on to adoption. Even though we've had a hard time too, I would have felt like an ass had I gotten pregnant before they were able to adopt, even if we had to spend $12,000 to get pregnant. Lucky for them, it didn't work.
But I did call my SIL and explain what we were going through. I think if you lay it all out like you did in this post, your friend will appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure that DH's brother and his wife are going to start trying for a second soon if they aren't already and it's going to sting when we get lapped, once again.
www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com
I have a hard time with the jealous side of infertility. I think it is there, no matter what we try to do or say, but we have the choice to recognize and let it go or the choice to allow it to consume us and add fuel to the already insatiable fire. I know that the only thing that pulled me through was my faith and my ability to recognize that life is simply unfair. Though I stuggled to get a baby, so much else in life has come so easily for me. I would take my baby struggles over some of the things I've seen others go through ANY DAY. I imagine your friend has a similar attitude! True friends will always be happy for you and find away to stave off the jealousy.
On a side note, congrats on getting the IUD out.. I am a bit behind here. I cannot believe you got your period back SO FAST. That has to be tremendously exciting! I have you on my prayer list and I hope that the next few months are easy and that things just happen effortlessly this time.
*hugs*
Post a Comment