I Feel So Awkward

All of my life I was raised to be religious. I went to church every Sunday, attended church activities, went to seminary in high school, and even went to a church school for the first two years of my college education. Despite all of the churchiness in my life, I was never a really churchy person, believe it or not. I did all of those things because that is what was expected of me. I also did them in hopes that I would be the kind of religious person my parents wanted me to be. However, once I left the church school, I began to fall away from the religion. A big part of that had to do with the people. I know that everyone says you should go to church to receive the gospel, but I had a hard time feeling the spirit when I was around people I didn't care to be around or when I didn't feel welcomed. Over the next two years of my college education, I think I attended church maybe a few dozen times. When I graduated from college, I began going to meetings designated for single people. At this point, going to church was more so that I could hang out with my friends than anything else because I had gotten myself into the mindset where church was boring and I didn't want to be there.

A few years after graduating from college I met my husband, who was a convert. Together we got out of the habit of going to church all together. We tried going a few times after we first got married, but not once did anyone from our congregation come over and talk to us after the meetings were over. No one even acknowledged our existence. So fine, we didn't really want to go to church in the first place, but feeling completely unwelcome and unwanted only further cemented our reasons for not going. We didn't set foot in a church again for the next three years.

We always said that we would go back to church if we moved to Texas or got pregnant. As fate would have it, both happened within months of each other. Then one day in August, when I was barely starting to show my pregnancy, we went back. The difference between the congregation here and in our previous state was night and day. As soon as the first meeting concluded, swarms of smiling faces came over to meet and greet us. We were shocked. Within weeks, members of the congregation came over to our house to welcome us and get to know us better. Hubs was in heaven because he was finally meeting people (remember he works from home and is somewhat of a hermit), and not only that, but he liked them!

Now we get to the awkward part. In our church, there is a group of ladies who are in charge of compassionate service, fellowshipping other women, etc. This group came over to my house within a couple weeks of my going back to church. Within the first 10 minutes they were here, they were asking to throw me a baby shower.

I am a rather introverted person to start with, but I get even moreso when I am the center of attention. I know this sounds weird, but when I got married I dreaded the bridal showers. I hated opening gifts in front of scads of women and trying to act happy when I really felt just plain stupid. "Oh wow! A crock pot! That will come in so handy on those cold winter days. Thank you so much." Uh yeah, I felt lame. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful and thankful to the hostesses and all of the people who showed up to support me. I just don't like all eyes on me and people watching my reaction to opening gifts.

Baby showers on the other hand, are so much worse for me because I have to pretend I feel all squishy inside as I open baby outfit after baby outfit. I do love the outfits, but I just don't go all googly over baby stuff the way most women do (or pretend to). I don't go all googly over other people's babies either. I'm just not that type of woman. I attended a double baby shower for two women in my congregation I didn't know back in September, and even though it wasn't for me, I still hated it because everyone there expected the pregnant woman to be as gushy as the women opening the presents. "Aren't you just so excited to have your baby now?! Does this make you wish you were having your baby now? I bet you can't wait until its your shower." Please, let me slink into a dark corner where I can evade such silly comments. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

When the women asked to throw me a shower, I thanked them from the bottom of my heart, but respectfully declined for a couple of reasons: 1. I hate being the center of attention; and 2. I didn't know anybody here. I didn't feel right asking almost 100 women I didn't know to come shower me in gifts. The women persisted. They really wanted to throw me a shower. They said it was my opportunity to meet people and have people get to know me. Slowly, and extremely reluctantly, I gave in. When I told Hubs about it later, he was a bit disappointed in my telling them no in the first place. He reminded me that they offered, I didn't ask. They WANTED to do this for me, and I was denying them that happiness. He told me that I should allow them to throw the shower, and to just be sure that I attend all of the showers I would get invited to even when I didn't know the women. I don't think to this day he really knows what an awkward situation this is for me.

Over the next few months my church attendance was still a bit lax, while Hubs went every single Sunday with or without me. The less I went, the more I hoped they would forget about the baby shower, especially since I wasn't meeting people. Nope. Guess again. Every time I showed up, they reminded me they wanted to throw me a shower and began talking about dates. If I felt awkward about it before, it paled in comparison. Again, I tried to resist, but to no avail.

I got my evite to my own baby shower today. It is scheduled for next Saturday, and over 90 people have been invited. I don't know if many of them will actually show up. There maybe a half dozen or so. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I am totally dreading it. Yes, I am lame. I have zero problem going to showers for women I don't know, but I have a problem with being the receiver of gifts from them.

Right now, I need some form of escapism. I need to get my mind off of its current plagues and do something enjoyable so I don't follow my gut and crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. I think some shopping is in order.