Adjectives

• Anxiety
• Disdain
• Despair
• Heartbreak
• Pain
• Loathing
• Anger
• Sadness

I could go on and on. These are all adjectives I associate with pregnancy tests. I hate them. I hate them with every fiber of my being. I hate the way it makes me feel when I even think about peeing on one of them. I hate the panic attack it sends me into when I do use one. I hate those moments where my heart pounds heavy in my ears, my breathing accelerates, and I have to sit there and try to calm myself down as I wait for the results. I hate the crushing, heavy feeling that comes over me as I view yet another BFN. "I knew it." Yet I dared to hope.

AF is still MIA, but I can't stand the thought of peeing on a stick. If I do use one, it literally has to be spur of the moment, and I have to do it before I lose my nerve. Of course I sit there and hate myself as the seconds tick by until I see what I was expecting, "ROFLMAO!!!" says the pregnancy test.

I can't stomach the idea of using one. In fact, I refused a pregnancy test when I was first pregnant with my daughter when I went to see a doctor about my dizzy spells. I then refused a pregnancy test three times when I met my OB for the first time, but finally relented because I had to pee really bad. My first BFP was in a doctor's office. That is the one and only time I have ever seen two pink lines that belonged to me in my life.

If I ovulated when I think I did, AF was MIA starting on Friday. I didn't say one word to Hubs until Sunday night, and even then it was only brought up in casual conversation. He told me not to bother peeing on a stick again until at least Wednesday, but that I should probably wait until Friday.

Monday night we were playing with Baby Bean and her new Le.go farm that she got for Christmas when I mentioned AF still had not shown. I then told him about how I would rather go see my RE about a missing period than pee on a stick. He told me to wait until Friday, and if my period still didn't show, to call my RE on Monday. "Forget Wednesday, put it off as long as you can. I say don't test until Friday."

That night I got in one of those "Do it now!" moments. It was 8:00 at night. I had to pee really bad. In a spur of the moment, I grabbed a FRER and went to work. Negative. Of course. What did I expect?

I have spent the last couple of days going over the last 16 days again and again in my head. Am I sure my positive OPK was on CD15? I thought so, but no. Should I have kept testing past CD15? I did. I tested on CD16 and 18, they were negative. I watched my surge ebb. When did my girls get sore? CD16, but it went away. CD17, but it went away. CD18 and it stayed, but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it normally is. Must be the estrogen patches. Here I am CD30, and now they don't hurt AT ALL. They haven't hurt for days. The only other time this happened is when I was pregnant with my daughter.

Am I sure I didn't ovulate later than I thought? Yes. How do I know? Cause my girls got sore, and they only do that after ovulation. But didn't they do that when I didn't ovulate before my laparoscopy in 2007? Yes, but then I had spotting 7 days before AF would rear because I had low progesterone. I have had zero spotting so far. So yes, I ovulated, and it was earlier than later.

Maybe I am pregnant. But the tests keep coming back negative.

Do I have symptoms? Yes, but... they can all be explained by some medication I'm on right now. Or can they?

"What if I'm not pregnant? I can't think straight. What if I'm not? What does it mean? Have the estrogen patches messed me up so bad that I would miss a period? Crap! I should call me RE tomorrow. No! He'll make me take a pregnancy test! What do I do?"

Breathe.

Either I am or I'm not. There isn't anything I can do about it if I'm not except find out what's going on, pick up the pieces, and move forward.

Am I the only infertile who feels this way? Does anyone else go through all of these thoughts nearly every second of every day when AF is late? Someone out there please tell me I'm not losing it.

The odd thing us, I was totally calm about all of this up until today. Maybe it was going back to work and not being able to relax that kicked me out of my zen. Or maybe it is because I am closer to Wednesday/Friday and the time for action (i.e., taking a test) is getting closer, and the mere thought of peeing on a stick literally sends me into a full blown panic attack. It was easier to be zen when I could put off taking a test.

The bottom line is I can't do it. I can't take a pregnancy test. I am not peeing on a stick in the morning and that is that. The question now becomes, when do I call my RE? I hate to wait until Friday and then face the possibility of torturing myself all weekend. But I also hate the idea of doing it tomorrow and being told to take a test.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update: I have an appt with my RE on Friday morning. Here we go....