My Arms and Heart Ache

As I count down the days to my surgery, my heart and my arms just ache for another baby. I am so beyond ready for this. And I think the reason the surgery annoys me so much right now is that I will ovulate the day of surgery, meaning I can't get pregnant this month, and I sure as hell can't get pregnant for 3-4 months after next Friday. I am just annoyed that I have to wait when I am so beyond ready to add to my family RIGHT NOW. The surgery makes my heart heavy because once its done, I have no choice but to wait. I am tired of waiting. Everyone around me is getting pregnant right now, and I am so happy and excited for them, but it also makes me feel this wait so much more acutely. I want to be pregnant with them. I want to be happy and glowy with them. I don't want to have to smile on the outside and then look at their ever-swelling bellies and ache on the inside. This just plain sucks.

On top of that, I have all of the "what ifs." All of those stupid, defeating thoughts that I just can't get rid of. What if:

• Dr. D is upset with me for seeking a second opinion and so doesn't do as good of a job on my surgery as Dr Jensen would--the doctor who thought pregnancy was absolutely possible, as opposed to Dr. D who recommended surrogacy. Or what if he ties off my tubes just to spite me? I know he won't, and I know he'll take care of me, but I still think, "What if?"
• I go through all of this and then still can't get pregnant for some reason or another.
• It takes me months to get pregnant and I end up in that infertile tail spin again? I hate the freaking out and the worry that comes with each passing month that results in a BFN (Big Fat No pregnancy test).
• TMI Alert - My most fertile months are the 3-4 months we are forced to take off, and by the time we can try, my body remembers it doesn't like to work the way it should, so it takes longer to get pregnant. I remember after I had my first lap done I was so fertile in the first three months afterward it was ridiculous. Of course, I didn't realize what all of the crazy gushing EWCM was until months afterward when I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Had I known, we would have been BD during those months. By the time I figured it out, the amazing EWCM wasn't flowing the same way.

But you know what I love? I love that everyone in my life is excited for this surgery. To me it is all just a pain in the @$$ and I want it to be over with, but everyone else is happy for me. Getting comments from folks who are cheering me on makes me feel so much better about the fact that I have to do this. It makes it easier to bear.

One more week and I will be on the other side of things. Just 7 more days.

Funny note: As I was writing this post my music player started playing World, by Fi.ve for Fi.ghting in which it sings, "Be careful what you wish for, history starts now." Thanks a lot stupid Pan.dora. :p