Getting Ready

It is Sunday night, and I am ready to begin the work-week in that the house has been cleaned, all of the shopping has been done, and my hair has been cut. I spent Saturday running around trying to get in all of the things I wouldn't be able to do next weekend, like grocery shopping and vacuuming. Sadie is thwarting the latter in that she thinks her fur coat has gone out of style like it is last season's line, and so is dropping it all over my house. I vacuumed yesterday and today, and I am sure I will be doing so every day until the surgery in a feeble attempt to keep the dog hairs from turning into tumble weeds in which the nasty Texas bugs get caught and die when they sadly find their way into my home. I am really getting sick of seeing those little buggars inside my house, and even more so, seeing them in balls of shed off dog fur. I tried to convince Hubs to buy me a Roo.mba this weekend, but it just wasn't in the budget.

I went to Cos.tco yesterday morning and loaded up on meals that would be easy for me to cook, either for myself during the day when Hubs and Baby Bean aren't home, or at night when they come home. I had this brilliant idea that I would go to Target and walk my cart up and down each isle, grabbing easy dinner items as I went. But by the time I got there, I was tired from a full day's worth of shopping and cleaning. My brain went into autopilot, and I barely got anything that wasn't on my grocery list, which wasn't very much. I did manage to grab things I don't need just yet, like laundry detergent and dish soap, while completely spacing the fact that I needed bread, lunch meat, or any other kind of food. I guess I will get to do one more shop sometime this week before Friday.

As the big day looms nearer, I realize that over the last month my emotions have been all over the place. I would like to blame it on the excess amounts of caffeine I have let back in my life, and I am sure it contributes to an extent, but I think the majority of the reason behind my mood swings is this upcoming procedure. So much hinges on it. More than I would like to admit. This really isn't as small of a thing as I would like to play it off as being.

I'm not worried about the procedure or the recovery as much as I am the aftermath. The fight and the struggle that will come afterward. The worry.

That is what scares me. That is where my anxiety lies.

After the surgery, I will take three months off to heal. Then I will be back in to Dr. D for an ultrasound and possibly a hysteroscopy to ensure that everything looks as good as it can before we jump into trying for our son. During those three months, I will be meeting with a high risk OB to fully prepare myself for the battle ahead, to lay out a plan, complete with contingencies.

I feel like once this surgery is over, I will be on the other side of this hill I have been climbing for the last almost 16 months. Finally on my way back down toward my dream. It is daunting and exciting at the same time. I am so ready for this, yet I am scared.

This past week my husband has been working on creating a fenced-off play area on one side of our house. The area doesn't grow grass because it is covered by trees, and it floods every time it rains. So we will dig it out, creating a drain, and then fill the area in with gravel and synthetic bark. One day soon we will add a play structure for our children. For right now, we are just going to fence it off and maybe get a temporary swimming pool to enjoy over there.

I can't tell you how much it makes my heart swell to watch him work on this project for our children. He is such an awesome and amazing daddy. I love hearing him say it is for our kids. Not just for our child, but for our children. I love this man so much, and I love even more that he wants to have more children with me. That he wants to continue building our family. These things are his small way of telling me that even though he says he doesn't care if we have more, he is completely on board with this surgery and trying to add to our family every bit as much as I am. He is totally in this with me, and it isn't just because I want it, it is because he wants it too. It is those moments that help me know I am on the right path, doing the right thing for my family.

I can't say now how I will feel every hour of every day this week. If I had to, I would say that my emotions will be as crazy and mixed up as the weather, threatening rain one minute, blowing gusts of wind another, and sunny and calm the next. I accept that and I will allow it because that is what I need to gear myself up for the battle ahead.