I look at my body going south with pregnancy and realize that I will never have my prepregnancy body back again. Then I feel bad that I feel that way because we wanted so badly to be here, we tried so hard for so long, and here I am, lamenting the loss of my beach belly and cute bum. The infertile in me wants to smack me and tell me to suck it up. I knew my self image would take a blow this late in pregnancy, I just didn't know how hard it would be. For the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I am ready for this baby to be here, but it is only so the carnage to my body can stop. I won't let hubs look at what is going on under the maternity pants because I don't want him to remember the glaring red stretch marks coupled with the cellulite. He's lucky I let him see my swollen cankles. At this point, people asking me when I am ready to "pop" or telling me that I am huge makes me feel even worse. As you can see by the picture in the sidebar, my belly is HUGE. 6 weeks to go still....
So I start thinking that I am ready for this baby to come out, which inevitably leads to the next thought process -- life after Baby Bean is born. That comes with a whole new range of emotions. Of course I am excited to have this baby, but then I am also sad that certain parts of my life will never be the same again. Never again will it just be hubs and me on an airplane, hating the people with the screaming baby and thinking, "Oh great, this is going to be a long flight," when the screaming baby sits behind us. WE will be THAT couple. We will be the couple with the annoying kid in the restaurant that people hate. Going to see a movie? Forget about that for the next few years. I fully realize this baby is going to change our lives, and I pray that it is for the better. I am sure we will be so in love with her that these thoughts will seem silly and stupid once she is here. Maybe we won't care that we're THAT couple. At least we'll have an understanding for other people who are.
When I realize I am lamenting the carefree life I am about to lose, I feel really horrible, and I hold my belly and apologize to Baby Bean. I love her so much, and I want her here. I want to hold her, love her, care for her, show her off, be proud of her, be her mom. So I have a crazy sleep schedule for a couple of months. What is a couple months in the grand scheme of things? This is MY DAUGHTER. I am willing to give up the couples-only life. I am willing to cater to a crazy baby schedule. So my body goes to hell for a while; we live in an age where almost everything is fixable. I want this baby.
At times I feel so unprepared. Do I know everything I need to know? Do I have everything I need to have? Are we setup to be awesome parents? Is there something we need to be doing and aren't? I look at all of the baby gear we have and wonder if it is enough. I thought I was prepared, but now I'm starting to doubt myself. I don't want my baby to suffer because I don't know what I need to know. How do I know if I'm not prepared though?
I am sure what I'm going through is completely normal for any first time parent. I'm sure it also has to do with the fact that my baby could come at any time over the next few weeks, so I feel like we're coming down to the wire and it is time to get serious. I feel a full range of emotions ranging from selfish, humbled, ignorant, excited, and ready.
I am so happy that I get to be here. I am still excited that I get to experience pregnancy and the anticipation of our first born. I can't wait until my little girl is born. Just like I did with training border collies, I will figure out how to raise my baby girl to be the best she can be. We will figure things out as they come. Life is going to be better and more fulfilling in just a few weeks' time.
8 Thoughts:
I am sure all your thoughts and feelings are normal. For sure.
Even though we are only "paper pregnant" I get so nervous thinking about the changes that could take place at ANY time. But I think that ones it happens, we won't even look back.
I am so excited for you!! I hope and pray that the next 6 weeks goes by quickly and great for you. Eeeek... in 6 weeks or so you will have a cute lil bundle of joy! So, so exciting!!
You have been waiting so long for this, you will be the best mom! Don't worry, we all have body issues. Just remember, it takes a lot of work and energy for your body to produce a baby! Keep it in perspective, and don't be so hard on yourself- you're BEAUTIFUL!!!
I beleive that every new mother-to-be feels the exact same emotions as you are right now. Once you have the baby you will be able to sort through them a lot better and realize that everything just falls into place. Just from knowing you the way I do, I know that motherhood will come naturaly to you. Baby girl with have the best parents she could ask for. You can always call me for advice any time you need it. Even if it is 3 AM. There are a lot of fun firsts that you will be experiencing with this sweet child. I can't wait to start reading posts about it.
I am so with you, we are twinkie emotionals right now. We really are.
I stared at my body long and hard in the mirror yesterday for the first time in months and cried for a really long time. I feel your pain and I am so thankful we have each other to get through this part with! It sucks, but it is so true it will all be completely worth it when our little girls are here.
*BigHugs*
There are a lot of people in the IF community who are wishing they had the oppourtunity to feel your feelings you are experiencing about being pregnant. Hopefully this will put things into perspective for you.
I know you are very greatful, it has to be hard to watch your body morph into a different shape.
Wishing you a peace-filled and happy holiday.
I know that IFers want to be in my shoes. I wanted to be in my shoes for years too. I underwent thousands of dollars worth of treatments and did my time in the infertility clinic and in a moderate surgery, which is why I beat myself up for feeling the way I do. But it is so different being here than it is wishing you were here. It isn't a matter of needing perspective, believe me. There is a pyschological emotion that comes along with not only fighting pregnancy hormones, but with also watching your body morph from being sexy into something totally not sexy and realizing it will never be as hot again. It is also hard to take comments about how "huge" I have gotten (had one a few minutes ago from a coworker, as a matter of fact) when I used to be tiny and hot.
I know that most of it will go away once the baby is born, and from what I've heard, none of it will matter once I have a sweet baby to look at and adore and think, "it was all worth it." I also know that what doesn't go away on its own is fixable. But it is still really hard on an incredily hormonal body image.
My intention was not to complain, but to sort through my feelings and to get reassurance that I am normal from any other IFers who have been in my shoes.
I honestly hope this post didn't offend anyone currently undergoing IF treatments, or anyone who is looking to adopt. Please take it as what it was meant to be, which was an outlet for my feelings. I know how blessed I am, and I've felt that way every second of every day since I found out I was pg.
Thank you so much to all of you who offered comfort, especially those of you wishing to be in my swollen shoes. It means more than you know, and tears did brim over at your thoughtful words. You are all a very wonderful support group, and I appreicate each of you.
P.S. The deleted comment was my own. No body said anything rude. lol I just got a little verbose in my response and decided to try again.
Chelle,
Reading your blog makes me want you for MY Mom!!! You're for sure really gonna be a great Mom.
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