The Last for a While

This is going to be my last TTC post for a while, and no, sadly it is not because I am pregnant, but rather because I am taking a break from the game. This year has been kind of brutal for me on that front and I am burned out on all of it.

In my last post I told you all that I had decided to do a medicated cycle at the last minute to get AF to show before going on vacation. She was actually due the day we left, based on my OvaCue readings. She didn't show that day, or the next, or even at all that whole week. I kept my feet on the ground and kept telling myself it didn't mean I was pregnant. But then I started experiencing all kinds of symptoms, severe dizziness, frequent urination (we're talking every half hour), sore gazoongas, extreme fatigue, etc. So when we checked out of our hotel on Friday afternoon to head back home, I was actually starting to think I was probably pregnant. I told Hubs as much at the airport.

Saturday morning as we were headed to brunch, I told my husband I was pretty dang sure I was pregnant. I told him I would be really, really surprised if I wasn't, based on all of my symptoms. Then things got kind of upsetting because he was worried about the baby being a boy if I was pregnant because I was on estrogen patches. All through brunch it was weighing very heavily on his mind, and he let me know it. So on the way back home, we stopped at Tar.get and I bought a box for FRERs. As you can guess, it was negative. My husband breathed a sigh of relief, and I gave up. No bitterness, no hurt, nothing but 100% pure apathy. I was over a week late and there was no sign of AF. Who cares?

Tuesday morning I went to see my RE. He did his usual check. No cysts on the ovaries, no bun in the oven, so he tested my estrogen levels. Guess what? They were through the roof. Shocker. Apparently really high estrogen levels causes dizziness (I'm still dizzy to this day). He prescribed Pr.overa and AF was forced to show up the next day.

I told him this was the third time this year AF was long overdue, and the third time that I had a cycle greater than 40 days in length, completely NOT typical for me. He told me that sometimes doing medicated cycles can throw a woman's body off, so when she does medicated cycles and then takes a month off (as I did last month), it confuses the body and takes it a while to figure out how to do things on its own again.

But you know what? I just don't care. I really don't. I'm taking a break. I don't have any idea what cycle day I'm on. My Ovacue hasn't seen the light of day since CD15 of my last cycle, and it won't see the light of day for at least this month, if not next as well.

The panic to get pregnant RIGHT NOW has gone. For the first time in years, I just don't care. And honestly, I love it. Big, puffy heart, love it. I feel so free, so light hearted, so happy. All I want to think about right now is going on vacation again in September (more on that in an upcoming post), and again in January. I don't care about getting a bigger vehicle anymore (even though we went and looked and priced them out yesterday). I would rather save my money for plane tickets to Aruba or St. Kitts and Cancun.

I feel like I have fought my way up to the top of the wheel just by changing my attitude about what is important and what isn't. Realizing I can't control when things happen and shouldn't even try. I am so content again. I am completely content with being a family of three. It is so easy, so simple. I am starting to wonder if I really do want anymore because life is so uncomplicated right now.

I don't know when I'll care about TTC again, or if I ever will. If we have more kids, cool, we're totally open to it. But if we don't, cool, we have loads of travel plans, home improvement projects, and other places we don't mind putting the money. But before you say, "Now it will happen. You'll get pregnant because you don't care," think twice. That isn't why I'm doing this. And no, I don't think it will happen because I don't care. (Please read above where my body is messed up from doing medicated cycles; it is going to take a while to reset.)

I just want to go to the beach again. And live there. Forever. With my perfect little family of three.