Picking up the Pieces

First of all I wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for everyone's sweet and heartfelt comments on my recent bad news. They really did help my heart feel better. I appreciate them more than words can express.

A few hours ago I wrote up an bitter post in which I talked about how I am not okay this time. I let the post sit out there for about an hour, and then I pulled it back and sent it to the post graveyard. It was a post that didn't feel like me. It did yesterday and the day before, but today the pain is ebbing away. I'm still not 100% okay, and I don't think I ever will be again. I still feel like my hope light has gone out, and I don't think it will be relit any time soon. It seems to be that the only way I can cope going forward is to allow myself to only go through the motions without wrapping my hope up in them. I need to be able to look back and say I didn't give up. But pushing forward doesn't mean I need to put my head emotionally into the game.

I realize that sounds bitter, but the pain that is associated with it is letting up. A big part of that could be because I am in self-preservation mode. But I am also starting to view this as a blessing. I wanted TTC another baby to take a back seat to the rest of my life because I didn't want it to be my #1 focus. I think what happened on Friday helped me do just that.

The last couple of days have been emotionally brutal. A total beat down. But today I am back to counting my blessings and re-learning how to focus on what is really important, and that is being a wonderful, focused mother and wife. I need to be here in the moment. The moments I have with my husband and daughter. This is what I have wanted all along but lost sight of as the old feelings and emotions tied to trying to have a baby resurfaced, especially in light of the fact that once again, pregnancy will not happen without medical intervention.

I am hoping that I have learned how to go through the motions without losing myself to the hope and pain, which means losing focus on the rest of my life. Even my work has suffered from this, and it hasn't gone unnoticed by my coworkers. They just don't know why the quality of my work has fallen off. I need that to change, and fast. My work cannot suffer in my field and allow me to keep my job.

I went out with one of my best friends last night. We sat in the bookstore drinking hot chocolate and talking about the unhappy situations we feel our lives are in right now (my beautiful and perfect child and husband aside). She then told me of an analogy she saw on a TV show where a woman described life as a wheel. As the wheel turns, sometimes we are on the bottom, the end being run through the mud. Other times we are at the top where the view is great. When we're in the mud, we just have to hang on and know that we will be back at the top soon. Yep, I am at the very bottom of that stupid muddy wheel right now, but I hope that it keeps on moving and the end of the mud pit is in sight.

I have a magnet on my cabinet at work with a quote from Winston Churchill that says, "If you're going through hell, keep going." I plan to Winston. I don't like being here. I'm running as fast as I can. Does anyone have a horse I can borrow? I'll leave it at the back gates of hell as soon as I get out.

The bottom line is I will be okay. I know that. Whether I have another baby or not, my life is still blessed beyond words and I am so grateful for what God has already given me. I will keep trying, but I will do it at an emotional distance, and that is exactly the way it needs to be. As with all things, I can decide how I handle this. True to form, I choose to find the good and run with it.