360 Degrees of a Broken Compass

I have been all over the place emotionally since Friday. In fact, in any 24-hour period I run the full 360 degrees of emotion. I am realizing that I am surprisingly just not okay this time. I don't know why this time is different than all of the times before, but it is. I find that when I think I am doing okay, and I am back to being me, I get thrown a rogue curve ball from out of no where and then I'm trying to choke back the tears.

If I have to really think about why I'm not handling this well, I would have to say it is because I feel robbed. I feel like the one thing that gave me hope has been stolen from me, and that is I knew exactly where I stood when AF showed on time. I don't have that anymore. I can now honestly say that there was a cycle where AF didn't show for over a week, and it wasn't because I was pregnant. I know that going forward if AF doesn't show, my first thought won't be about pregnancy tests, but rather, "Oh great. What's wrong with me now?"

The mornings seem to be the hardest, but it gets better as they day wears on. The only time I feel back to my old self is when I am around my daughter. Last night and tonight when we got home I spent the night playing with her and not caring about anything else. We went on a walk in the cold, played the dancing game on the Wii, watched some TV and snuggled, went on a hunt around the house for her baby doll, played soccer. We just had fun. There is nothing more therapeutic than hearing her laugh.

I told my supervisor at work about what was going on. I had to because my work has been suffering, and it came up in our team meeting yesterday morning. I messed up a simple, but very important task. I didn't mess it up once, but three times. Every time I had to start over, it had to go back to my supervisor and about 10 other people for approval, so they all knew how many times I had to pull it back and resubmit it. Luckily, as I have said before, I work for a very understanding man. He knows how hard all of this is on me, and he knows how emotional I am. We talked about things for 15 minutes or so; how I was emotionally, where my plans for TTC were headed, and how I would keep it from affecting my job.

People keep asking me what our next step is. I always have to stop and think, like maybe this time the question will shake my brain into finally figuring it out, but it never does. I always come up blank. I always tell them I don't know.

One thing I do know is that I refuse to do injectables again. No FSH or hCG shots for this girl. No IUIs, no IVF. That is where I draw the line. Basically I am not willing to do anymore than I already have been. The estrogen patches are enough synthetic hormone, and even then they appear to be too much for me.

Right now I am still in a daze, so much so that I can't even think about what our next step is. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where it gets me. I have no road map. No "baby hope" direction for the needle on my compass to point to. I am still numb as far as all of that is concerned.

At least I am able to find my life again in the eyes, face, and voice of my daughter. When I look at her, none of this matters. She is all that matters. Making the most of every minute of her childhood is all that matters. I love that child more than the air that I breathe and more than the chocolate that I eat. I don't care what happens now because I already have her.