A New Leaf

What this post was supposed to be:

I was talking to a friend last Tuesday about my infertility situation when a breakthrough started to occur. The breakthrough continued for days like one long "Ah ha!" moment.

I was telling her about that post after my first failed cycle when we were finally allowed to be back at TTC and how once I got over the initial (and huge disappointment) that it hadn't worked, I realized that TTC was not the same this time around as it was last time. That I was no longer trying for our first. I had fought that battle and won. I didn't need to wrap myself back up in all the hardship associated with trying to have a baby again because even if I don't have any more, I am so eternally grateful that I have my daughter to show for my struggles.

Over the next couple of days I realized that I could and needed to let go of my Infertile label. Yes I have endometriosis and PCOS, but both of those problems have been temporarily held at bay thanks to my surgeries. There should be no reason I can't conceive at this point. I discovered that even though I had tried to shed my label consciously, I was hanging onto it subconsciously like a security blanket. It was how I had come to identify myself for the last 4 years.

I then realized that I needed to learn how to truly shed this label. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to make the mental shift from identifying myself as an infertile first and foremost to being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, ex-infertile. How exactly does one go from bumping their primary title to the end of the list? It was a thought that overwhelmed me, and I knew I couldn't do it alone. I came to the conclusion that the biggest and best place to start was with my blog. It was time to turn over a new leaf.

The very next morning I put in an order with my fellow infertile blogger Marla who does blog design on the side. I knew there was no one more perfect to help me with the makeover than someone who knew my story and where I was coming from. We spent the next week working together to create something beautiful and amazing. The new face of Chelle!

I have turned over a new leaf in my story of infertility and am moving my infertile label to the end of the list of things I am.

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Reality Bites:

While Marla was busy making my new blog design, I was visiting my RE for a followup ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus since going on the patch on Tuesday. The first thing out of Dr. D's mouth was that my lining had not improved as much as he had hoped. It was definitely better, but still not where he wanted it to be. I was at 7.8mm, and he wanted it to be an 8. I asked where it was on Tuesday, 4.6 and he wanted it to be 7.8 that day. He then instructed me to start wearing a second patch for the duration of my cycle, changing them out every three days. If I get pregnant, I will have to continue the patches through 12 weeks. If I don't get pregnant, I will discontinue the patch at the appearance of AF, and then start it up again on CD8 or 9. I will also have to go back in for another lining check on CD10.

It was at this point that I realized I will never get away from my infertility, whether I want to or not. I was right, this fight isn't the same as last time in so many ways. This time I am fighting a new foe on the front lines. Last time my endo was preventing me from ovulating. This time my lining isn't thick enough to support a pregnancy. (We won't even get into what has been going through my head regarding the last three cycles that didn't result in pregnancy but had unexplained spotting after ovulation.)

In some ways I feel defeated. In other ways I feel like this is just my lot and I need to accept it. Accepting it doesn't mean rolling over and giving up by any stretch of the imagination. It just means I need to add new weapons to my arsenal just like my infertility did. If it wants to fight different, I will fight different too. Bows and arrows or trebuchets, I don't care which. I refuse to go down without a fight. I'll wear these stupid patches, I'll go see the RE as often as I need to, I AM going to have another baby, if not two more. I am willing to fight just as hard this time as I did last time to build my family. Motherhood means that much to me. Providing my daughter with the joy of a sibling means that much to me. Giving my husband the children he wants means that much to me. I am not going to lose.

There is a lesson to be learned from this new battle, just as there was the first one. The first one was to help me truly appreciate the gift of pregnancy and motherhood. I'm not sure what my lesson is in this battle yet, but I will figure it out. Maybe it is to remind me to persevere, or maybe it is to realize as much as I want to be in control, I never will be. I don't know yet, but one day I will, and just as I am grateful for the lessons I learned from my first battle, I will be grateful for the lessons I learn from this time.

One thing I can promise you, I will never take my children for granted, and I will be grateful every second of every day that I went through hell to get them here and won.