Third Time's the Charm... To Freak Out

I've been going to the doctor lately to see if we can figure out why I am not only completely exhausted all of the time, but also to see if we can figure out why I keep having dizzy spells. The dizziness hits a few times a day and for no apparent reason. I can just be sitting and my desk and be overcome with a wave of dizziness. If I happen to be standing or walking when the wave hits, I inevitably lose my balance. Not such a great thing when I'm holding Baby Bean.

When I went to the doctor for the first time about it a couple of weeks ago, they ran a whole slew of blood work. It all came back completely normal. Of course it did. I knew it would, and that the answer wouldn't be that simple. However, it was at this appointment that the fear was put in me regarding baby #2. When I told the doctor about the uterine rupture she bombarded me with a whole slew of questions and seemed almost panicked. "Do you still have a uterus?! Did they fix the rupture?! Did they say if you could have more children?!" To the last I told her they said yes, but that we had to wait a year. Her response, "AT LEAST!" She then proceeded to tell me why (i.e., internal bleeding, potential death to both the baby and me, etc.). Okay, I knew my OB was serious when she was telling me these things, but I still thought everything would be fine when we next got pregnant. At this point I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and was starting to sweat because at that moment, I was already afraid I might be pg. Thank heaven I wasn't, but I didn't find out for sure until a week later (yes, I was freaked out for a WEEK!).

When all of the blood work came back normal from my first visit, I told the doctor about how I had concerns I may have a little heart problem based on some information passed on to me a couple of weeks earlier by my dad. She ordered up an ultrasound of my heart, but I opted to speak with the cardiologist first and then see what tests he wanted to run. That appointment was yesterday. I proceeded to give him my history and he asked if I had had any recent surgeries and what prompted my visit. When I told him about the uterine rupture he began asking the same slew of questions, only he didn't seem panicked. When I told him about the year-long wait, he struck the fear into me again. Telling me that if baby #2's placenta breaches the uterine wall, it could implant into my internal organs and that that kind of bleeding is really hard to stop, once again leading to death.

Today in my monthly review with my PM, I decided I had better fill him in a little bit about what is going on, since the exhaustion and dizziness occasionally affects my work, like it did yesterday when I had to ask if I could leave early. He jokingly asked if I was pregnant again, and I assured him I was not and proceeded to tell him what all three doctors had told me. He responded that my next pregnancy would be serious business and I had to weigh the risks and determine if it was something I was willing to take a chance on. I told him I absolutely was and that we would just hope and pray that everything turns out okay.

I have to admit, after having three different doctors tell me what I am now up against with #2, I'm a bit nervous. Am I willing to chance it? Yes. Undoubtedly yes. I feel like we'll be okay. I am in good hands with my doctors, and the hospital is a 5 minute drive from my house. I am, however, second guessing my desire to try again in a year. Hubs feels that we can start trying in a year because the doctors told us that was the minimum length of time we needed to wait, and if it should be longer, they would have said we needed to wait longer. So for now the plan is still to do the ring until January and then start trying for #2.

One thing I haven't mentioned to anyone yet is that at my 6-week post partum checkup my doctor informed me that the doctor who removed my uterine septum took too much of the wall out. I haven't told anyone that yet (not even my parents) because I am not sure how I feel about it. When she told me that, I became angry for the briefest of moments. "He messed up our chances of having more children! He didn't even ask us if we wanted to take it out. He just went ahead and did it!" But then I realized a split second into my mental tirade that even if he had asked us, we would have told him to take it out. He did the best he could. We did the best we could. We would have been in this same place no matter what. Infertility is a gamble all across the board. I have to remind myself of that fact every time I get that moment of anger. We all did the best we could.

In lighter news, I went and got my first "mom" hair cut tonight. I figured since all of my locks were falling out, I should just go get my hair cut to reduce the nightly ball of hair that collects in the shower drain. I am hoping that seeing a smaller ball will help ease the pain of seeing my hair come out by the handful. Besides which, this will make it look less silly when it all starts to grow back in, and I like cutting my hair once a year and watching it grow back out over the next 12 months. So I leave you with a somewhat cruddy picture of my new do (please be kind, it was taken at 10:00 p.m. I'm a tired woman!).

I just hope it looks better tomorrow when I can go at it with my straightening iron and get it to curl the way I want it to. I cut off about 8-10" tonight. Here's to another year of growing it out again!