I Earned It

I should be running off to shower right now and getting ready for bed, but the best thing ever happened today. Before I divulge what it was, I want to start out by saying that the past few days I have been going through some of my old blog posts. I'm not sure what brought about the desire to remember just how far I've come. Perhaps it is because one year ago I was completely discouraged on the baby front. I was ready to throw in the towel. I had undergone infertility treatments for almost two years and met with disappointment after disappointment. Flushed money down the drain in the hopes of being a mommy. Hopes that were met with pain, heartache, and discouragement. I had undergone moderate surgery that left me hurting for months afterward and wondering if it was all worth it, wondering if it would be the cure.

In reading through my old posts, it drudged up those old feelings again. Some of them even made me cry. Life was hard for us during that time. On top of AF darkening my door every month instead of a positive pregnancy test, I was in a job I just plain hated. We were in a situation that never felt permanent. My house never felt like home. I was always waiting for something bigger and better; the next chapter. I continually felt like our ship had to come in sometime, but when? I was so miserable. The things I had going for me were that I had the most wonderful, understanding husband in the world, a very supportive and loving family, and the awesomest dog ever. It doesn't sound so bad, right? Try being hopped up on synthetic hormones, wishing for the one thing you want more than ever and not being able to obtain it when it should be your God-given rite. Infertility took over my life and put such a dark cloud over me that some days I had a hard time coping. I can't even count how many days I was running on auto-pilot. To top it off, I had no one who knew what I was going through to talk to about it all. I had no real life friends living close by.

Something had to give. I realized, I had to make it give. I couldn't sit around anymore and wait for my doctor to see if my surgery fixed our problem, but I also couldn't bring myself to bear the thought of sitting in the waiting room with all of the other pregnant women again while I was there for my next round of shots or ultrasound to check folicles and not babies. It was time to move on.

Flash forward to now and I can't believe how much our lives have changed, even in just a year's time. Our ship did come in. I landed the job of a lifetime that pulled me from the dark abyss that was my life. It was the beginning of something even more grand.

Now I will tell you what happened to me today. Around 3:00 while I was plugging away and modifying a standard operating procedure, a gentleman appeared with a box for me. I knew immediately what it was: my mother's day flowers. The flowers that I have honestly wanted and ached for since trying to become a mother over three years ago. Hubs wouldn't buy them for me unless I was a mother, so every single mother's day was a stab in the heart to my infertile self. Sometimes I bought things for myself from the dog just to make me feel better.

As you can imagine, my heart swelled and so many thoughts and feelings went through my head as I opened the box to reveal 24 red roses and a card that said, "Happy mother's day! Hubs and Baby Bean." I just kept thinking, "I worked so hard for these," as I looked at them, the card, and pictures of my baby. "I've finally made it. I'm a mother." Within seconds I had tears streaming down my face. My emotions were mixed with love, euphoria, excitement, heartache, pain, and remembrance. I literally earned those flowers and they mean more to me than words can express. Even now my eyes are welling up. I placed the vase next to my dry erase board where my dear friend had written, "Baby Bean arrived February 2nd at 8:01 a.m." and took a picture. I pinned the card up to my cubicle wall under a picture of my baby.

It was a long, hard road, but one that was absolutely worth it. I earned those flowers.